Anyone married to a "Disney Downer"? About This Page:

[TinkMulanMickeysMom]

Great Advice! I hope everything works out

[B.M.]

All future visits go without him, it will be more fun without some one complaining the whole time. Also, to smooth things over......ask him to plan or pick the next family vacation. Remember.....................KILL HIM WITH KINDNESS!!

[Marybeth]

My DF is like that about everything! He is a miserable person now, and wants everyone around him to be just as miserable. I say go without him and just enjoy yourselves.

[olendl01]

My DH is a Disney-downer but we work around it...he tells me he married me not that Mouse! He is so wrong! LOL!
We live in CA and I have been going to DL every year my entire life, I have been with my DH for 22 years and he has only been three times. Once for the first time when were dating, once when our 2 kids were little and the last time for the grand opening of CA. So in my view, he chooses to stay home while we have a blast every year at DL!
I don't let my DH bother me...he knew how important The Mouse was to me long before we were married, I never made that a secret so he really can't get cranky about me going.
We are going to WDW for the first time this year, and I am happy to report that DH will be in attendance and is going on his own free will!
So many guides talk about how to plan your trip around your kids needs likes/dislikes but nothing for the DH! So that is my goal, plan a trip my DH will enjoy enough to want to come back!

[NanaTink]

I'm one of the lucky ones! Sulley wasn't a Disney nut, but I think I've changed that a little. Though, he does want to do other traveling as well, so in thanks to him for all the Disney trips, I'm planning a special trip for him next year that doesn't have a thing to do with a Mouse...............
that you get to the bottom of it and all have a happy trip. But DON'T let him ruin it for you and the kids....make sure he understands what he will be doing to THEM if he insists on going and continues with this attitude.

[korki-rad]

First of all, thank you to everyone for your advice!! To answer some questions:

I do wonder though does your DH act like this when spending any money
or going anywhere else on a trip?

Does he complain about other vacations?

This is our first family vacation we've ever taken together, so I don't know if this is just the way he acts. We've taken trips to see DH's family back east (and probably spent as much as we are spending to go to WDW) but never gone on a true family vacation. The year after we were married, we went to WDW for his best friend's wedding, but he was so busy with wedding stuff we didn't really spend any time together. I went to WDW (just me, no DH) with my family later that same year.

We only see DH's family about every 2-3 years or so. We saw them at Thanksgiving and his sister and mom are joining us at WDW about four days into our trip....his other sister is meeting us at the airport to loan us her car for the week, but we won't see her again until the Saturday of DS's birthday.

Is there some place he's always wanted to go and trips to Disney don't allow for him to go there?

If it were up to me, yes, we would be DVC members and go to WDW at least once a year. But I know that's not what would make DH happy. I don't plan to go back to WDW again for about 3-4 years. In between, I want us to go wherever DH wants to go. Unfortunately, where DH does want to go? Into virtual world in his Star Wars computer game.

OK, so that's not exactly fair. He wants to go on a cruise and he wants to go to Hawaii. Our 10th anniversary is next summer and we are planning on taking a cruise (although we are seriously looking at a Disney cruise). We both agree we need to save Hawaii for when DS is a little older. That's why we decided on WDW now -- it made the most sense for our family now.

You say that he went every year as a kid. Did he enjoy it then?

No...in fact, when I started planning the trip, he told me that he had never in his whole life had a good time at Disney and he hoped this time would be different. That's actually what's really driven me to the Disney forums online -- I am killing myself trying to find something to make DH happy. I'm at the point, though, of telling him that he is responsible for his own happiness.

He won't tell me WHY he didn't have a good time, though, so it is very hard to get to the bottom of things. He has a very negative view of his childhood. His mom is a lot to take, but is okay in small doses, so I think it has something to do with that. Yes, his mom is coming, but she is only getting a one-day ticket to the parks -- she primarily is coming as a helper -- she'll watch DS so we can go into the parks with just DD or all by ourselves.

I'm wondering if he's worried about something else that he hasn't told you about and is taking it out on your vacation plans.

Could it just be the money issue with him?

I've been trying to talk to DH and get to the bottom of things. He *is* really stressed out at work , but the majority of his worries seem to be about the money we are spending. I have tried to show him that the majority of the trip is already paid for -- we just have to pay for meals, which we would pay for wherever we were (and although WDW will be more expensive, we are staying in a villa and planning several meals "at home" so it averages out to not be so bad).

Is he against Disney? Or is he against spending the money??

As much as I love Disney it is an expensive vacation. Thats why we don't go every year. Maybe your DD would like other things in Florida more? (The Kennedy Space Center? Football/Baseball games??)

He seems to be against spending money. He's been to KSC and enjoyed it but didn't want to go back again (I suggested it -- thought he might enjoy Lunch with an Astronaut). He's not into sports, so that doesn't thrill him at all. (Good ideas, though!)

I don't know what more to do about the money -- I've done every cost-cutting trick I know. We are staying off-site at his request (staying in a 2-bedroom villa at the same cost as staying in a Value). We are planning to make some meals at the villa. We are not renting a car -- his sister lives just outside of Orlando and is loaning us a car for the week. We are borrowing a tandem stroller from friends so we don't have to rent one in the parks. I'm buying kids clothes from Goodwill or making them myself (plus, any clothes I buy the kids can wear all summer). The airplane tickets were purchased in September at the lowest rate since. I do have a couple of special meals planned, but in the end, even DH admits the cost won't be too bad and we can always cancel an ADR if we have to. CRT and the Family Magic Tour is already paid for (from my own nickel and dime savings this year). His mom is paying for our fireworks cruise. And my ebay sales (of my own items from before we were married) are paying for our P&PP tickets. We've got a big coin jar just for this trip which I plan to cash in to use for souvenirs. Plus, we should return home to a $1800 tax rebate check.

And he's still worried about the money.

I just don't understand -- we aren't behind on bills. He got a raise this year which kicks in with his March paycheck. (And, by the way, DH is an computer engineer at a Fortune 200 company...we are not exactly living at the poverty line.) Yes, we are spending money, but we would spend money wherever we went...I think we are doing extremely well!! In fact, if I go back, I think we probably spent more going back to see his family for Thanksgiving than we will spend on this week at WDW.

Maybe he just wants a trip where he can relax? Is his job stressful? Maybe just hanging out by the pool and doing some people watching would be the 'ideal' spot for him.

He is worried that we're going to be running all over the place and not getting any rest. He's concerned because I want to try to make two rope drops while we are there (the rest of the days we can sleep in until 11 if we want to and I've put a mid-afternoon break in every day). Left to his own devices, DH sleeps until 3 in the afternoon or so. He says that it's not a vacation if we have to pack an alarm clock. I say we are spending all this time to be at WDW and we should try to enjoy every minute that we can -- but I also enjoy a few sleep-in mornings. I tried to show him this, but he says he's seen everything at WDW and doesn't need to get up early to see it again.

Once we get there, I may just leave DH and DS behind...DD and I can go into the parks alone. (I can't manage DD and DS by myself and since DS will only be 1, it would limit any riding we could do.)

Could you find something that perhaps he would enjoy doing there - even if it is alone? Maybe fishing, hanging out at the pool, a Segway tour (or other tour), etc. are some ideas.

I've racked my brain trying to think of special things he would enjoy. He's done DisneyQuest and was only marginally impressed. I really wanted to do the Richard Petty thing and really talked to DH about it at Christmas when they were running their $59 special or something. He was too worried that he wouldn't be able to squeeze through the window (you *do* have to slide through the window General Lee style) and didn't want to be embarrassed. I did the fireworks thing primarily for him -- he loves boats and seemed excited when I mentioned the Electric Water Pageant -- he's never seen that.

I just saw your post about your DH being "Sully-sized" and it made a little light go off in my head. Could he be concerned that his size will keep him off the rides? I know that worried me my first trip and I've always found that Disney's rides accomodate the larger guests very easily. You might want to attract his attention to the "sticky" thread called "Too Big for the Rides?" It might settle his fears.... (if that's what's causing his angst.)

A few months ago, he was worried about his size keeping him off the rides, but I showed him the thread on "Too big for the rides" and the info on Allears and he was much relieved.

Eventually I tell him to just grow up and shut up! I told him that he's an adult and I've got 3 kids to keep happy so I shouldn't have to keep him happy too.

Oh, I did that when we had our argument! I also have to admit that I did something a little bit sneaky -- I kinda let it slip to his mom that DH is not so excited about our trip. She called him and told him to snap out of it and stop being ridiculous. It did help a little, I think.

I also reminded him that this trip wasn't supposed to be so much about US as it is supposed to be about the kids. The two bedroom villa is at his request specifically so we can have "us" time. His family is coming so they can take the kids sometimes and let us do our own thing...they can't wait to get their hands on the kids!

I wrote an article a while back on this topic, and I just recently updated it. You may find it helpful:
Disney Downers, Party-Poopers, and Scrooges -- PassPorter.com

This was really helpful -- thank you!

Does he resent the time and energy you've spent planning and perfecting this vacation?

I don't think he resents it, but he doesn't understand it. He is the type who would just buy the plane tickets, book the hotel and show up. He just "wings it." Which is fine if you go all the time, but when this is the only trip we'll take for 3-4 years, I want to maximize our time as much as possible.

My Dh is a little downer -- not so much as yours. He thinks I spend too much time on these boards and planning things.

Well, that's why I haven't replied before now -- I've been trying to spend a little less time on the boards.

are you talking about it too much - I know weird thought to come up with on this board... but if he's not all that excited about it -for whatever reason- the more you bring it up the more he's going to get pissy with you

Probably -- I'm trying to work on that. DD is so excited, she talks about it all the time and even makes "hidden Mickeys" all over the house for us to find. His mom is absolutely beside herself with excitement. Even his boss is a Disney fanatic, so I think he is probably getting inundated with Disney everywhere he turns.

Just once, I wish he'd get a little excited and ask where we were going to eat, or have some kind of input.

One thing I want to note is that some people get "cold feet" before a vacation. Believe it or not, I'm one of them. It's not unusual to hear me say to Dave or my sister, "I'm not sure it's a good idea to go on this trip. Maybe I should just stay home." It's just one of those things. I know to expect it, and I try to ignore my feelings, and everything works out okay once I'm there.

I am starting to suspect this might be the case. Since it's really our first time, I can't really tell. I am really HOPING this is the case!!

so let him be a buttmunch for a few more months and then watch him eat his words (But don't remind him of his being a buttmunch!!! men don't like that lol)

Keeping my fingers crossed for this!!

Thanks all!!! Just over 60 days to go -- watch for the trip report to see if I end up strangling DH on Main Street!

[tinker_me_happy]

My DH is only going to "make me happy" and EXPECTS I will "make HIM Happy" (if you catch my drift!) when we are there. DS19 is just miserable most of the time anyway and is grudgingly going but threatens to never go anywhere with the family ever again. DS15 wants to side with his brother (I guess it's a boy thing) so he just doesn't say anything. DD17 is the only one who is excited about our trip. So WHY you may ask if 3 out of 5 people are miserable about this am I bothering? Well it is MY turn for a vacation and this is what I want. I worked a year of OT to send #1DS to Ecuador and the Galapogos Islands (2 separate trips) More OT for DD to go to Europe with the HS, More OT for #2DS to go to California with the HS, DH went to the Galapogos with DS. I have been.... _____
So I work all the OT to earn the money for the trips it is now MY turn to go and to pick! They are reluctant, but they are going. I don't know how they can be so negative about it, as the boys have NEVER been.
My DH would be just as happy to sit around the house doing nothing (which is what we have always done for vacation!) and maybe go to work one or two days (he is self employed) during our "vacation" week. I have finally put my foot down and said ENOUGH. I am getting too old not to enjoy my life while I am young enough to enjoy it! So this time they will all go with me. Then I don't care if I go alone 100 times! I can only hope they will have a really good time in spite of themselves, and want to go again!

[emtpej]

GREAT info from all -- this will help me, to deal with my 'downer'!

[emtpej]

Originally Posted by korki-rad

And he's still worried about the money.

he says he's seen everything at WDW and doesn't need to get up early to see it again.

Once we get there, I may just leave DH and DS behind...DD and I can go into the parks alone. (I can't manage DD and DS by myself and since DS will only be 1, it would limit any riding we could do.)

I also reminded him that this trip wasn't supposed to be so much about US as it is supposed to be about the kids. The two bedroom villa is at his request specifically so we can have "us" time. His family is coming so they can take the kids sometimes and let us do our own thing...they can't wait to get their hands on the kids!

Thanks all!!! Just over 60 days to go -- watch for the trip report to see if I end up strangling DH on Main Street!

Thanks for sharing the deeper background on this!
I think with the economy, he is really worried about the future, like most of us are. I really, really, really sounds to me that you have tried VERY hard to manage the cost of this trip -- I wish my DW would try 1/2 as much of what you have done!

Your DH has 'seen it all' but he has NOT seen it with his own kids! There has be SOME attractions that they did not have -- for one, Toy Story Mania!
We re-financed last year and we decided then to take the kids and BIL on the land-sea as a once-in-a-lifetime trip. That's not to say we will never go again, but not like this! Maybe your DH is worried about trying to 'top' this trip next year? I have wondered about how much fun the littlest ones can remember and I think that our are at a good age (8 and 15), so maybe he thinks they are too young? Maybe you could all make a contract (I did one for my family when we re-financed so that we would all know and agree what we were going to spend our money on, the trip is just one thing that has caused us to mortgage our future). I know, it sounds funny, but it could help reassure him that you are not expecting this every year.

Tinker, I hope something can help you out, too... they all need chill out and 'do it for you', for once... don't let them hold you responsible for their entertainment 24/7!
Hmmm sounds like your DH would like the cruise... eat, sleep, repeat...
Sorry about the rant... I know you all understand.

[Kristen C.]

My Dh is pretty "grumpy' About WDW talk. He's gotten a little better as we've gotten closer. Whenever I ask about plans to be made I get "whatever you want to do". i swear I could plan the most expencive vacation as long as I don't mention it daily...lol...not really. He's ok if I keep it in moderation but it's so hard to do....I'm excited!

[tinker_me_happy]

So on an UP note, after our trip to the ED with Grumpy (DS19) DH decided to be "nice" to me and asked "You know I'm not a ride person, but what would you recommend for thrill rides?" I guess he sees my stress (especially where Grumpy is concerned) and realized all my Disney talk and planning helps DEStress me!

[StephanieCG]

It's funny...my hubby has been referred to as a fun sponge...he's just the type of guy to suck all the fun out a room during a party. He can't help it, he just isn't a party person and he can be a real cheap bastard! I say this with love, and he'll be the first to admit it too. He said the other day - "Can't we just have one our friends dress up in a mouse costume and pose for pictures with Emmy? It'll be lots cheaper." He hates crowds, annoying kids, tourists, and commercialism. But he does like turkey legs! I think that's what I'm going to do is just casually work in telling him about all the great food, especially at Epcot...any thoughts?

[cburke]

i am lucky my DH loves disney to.

[home4us123]

[threebeesatdisney]

So I have been reading this thread. Did she go last May? I would have let DH behind if he was like that! Why let him spoil my fun?