When Are They Adults? About This Page:

[SarahJ]

Originally Posted by wheatenwalker

While my 'kids' are full time students, their "job"is/was to graduate- they work (ed) and paid for their own clothes beyond things like socks/underware/essentials, and other very basic things ( clothes wise.) They helped pay for gas, car insurance but mostly the expectation is /was that they save their $$ for spending $ during school so that they could work less and concentrate on their "job"= school. My older son graduated and has a job and an apt- so I feel like that was a sucessful plan. My younger son is still in school and its working for him too-

That's exactly the same philosophy my parents had with my brother and I. Education came first but if we wanted extras, we had to figure out how to pay for them. We've both turned out just fine. Because of his good financial status, my brother was able to take an early retirement recently at age 39.5. Of course he and I sought out vastly different career paths and I make far less than he ever did, so I won't be so fortunate. But DH & I manage okay just the same.

[dejavu]

I've enjoyed reading the variety of answers. As you can tell, there is not one way that will guarantee your kids (or mine) will turn out to be responsible adults. I personally don't think I would ask for rent at 18, but I'm hoping they will go to college and I would consider that their "job".

Personally, I started working at 14 (detassling corn in the summers, babysitting the rest of the year) and worked part-time until I went to college. My family didn't have money (4 kids) so I could see the writing on the wall when I was 16. I worked hard in school and had scholarships throughout college and my parents helped with miscellaneous expenses. I also worked during college. I lived at home a couple of summers and worked full-time but was not expected to pay rent. After college I went to graduate school on my own dime (more scholarships and an internship -thank goodness!) but my parents never helped me after college.

At this point I don't ever want my kids to leave so it's hard to imagine asking them for anything. (well, they do their own laundry, clean their own rooms, and clean their own bathroom but that's part of living in this house.)

[Huntermom]

My kids are 20, 23, and 25. My DD is going into her junior year in college. She is a varsity athlete at an ivy league school. She works as a TA at school and pays for her books and spending money-the same as was expected of her brothers. Being a science major books are expensive ($300.00 alone for her organic chemistry book although she has been able to use some of her brothers old books) She, like her brothers, lives at school and survives without a car. If she wants to come home for a weekend or vacation, I will pick her up. Her brothers both went much further away to school. DS1 flew home (1800 miles) and DS 2 either got a ride or flew (430 miles). To me, living on campus is a huge part of the entire university experience. Living at home was not an option.

My oldest son stayed in Texas after graduation and supported himself for two years before he started law school. He continues to pay all his bills and tuition with scholarships and loans. He has a very well paying summer associate position that will pay his expenses and then some this coming year. He does not work during the school year. School is his job. Excellent grades made his summer associate position available to him.

My second son is taking time off before he goes to graduate school. He works as a research assistant all over the country. He is self supporting although I do not charge him rent when he stays here a few months of the year and between assignments. He does, however, do a significant amount of heavy work when he is home-shoveling snow, making repairs, etc. and he works full time. When he enters a graduate program, he will pay his own way with fellowships and a stipend.

I felt that when the kids were in school, that was their job. Good grades and participation in extra curricular activities in high school meant acceptance at top schools. The boys both worked summers and DS2, like DD, worked as at TA at school. DS1 only worked summers. DD spends most of the summer working on her riding and makes enough as a TA to survive the year. She spends little or no money at school and rarely asks for clothes.

I feel that I would rather them get the tools to be self supporting adults between 18 and 22 than have them pay rent.

If any of them did not consider going to college, I don't know what I would have done. If they were unable to get a good job, I think I would have made them feel the pain of living on a limited income by paying a reasonable rent and all their expenses. Kids need to understand that you cannot make under $10./hr. and have all the "things" they often want.

Diane

[Disney 4ever]

Having been a part of a "yours, mine and ours" we agreed until the oldest graduated then DH suddenly thought it was unfair. But what we did was this ~ when you get your license, you pay the gas and insurance, we paid for the first car and basic repairs & maint. We made them pay for insurance because THEY would feel the bite if they did something to cause rates to increase, not us. Once they graduate HS, if they went on to college, things stayed the same. If they didn't go to college, they had to start paying all their expenses plus weekly room & board of $35 a week, plus they still had to help around the house and do their own laundry. DH decided that we shouldn't expect any help or them to do their own laundry if we were charging anything and $35 was too much, maybe $10. I told him if they lived on their own they would have to do all that and I was NOBODY'S maid for $10 a week! His second son moved out as soon as he could so we didn't have to deal with this on him. After DH died both his sons said that I probably wouldn't make the younger 2 pay anything. Surprise! Surprise! Now that the 20yo is out of school, he pays all his own expenses, does his own laundry plus helps with many things around the house and helps with bills(cable, water, and he buys groceries alot). He doesn't pay a weekly rent since he took on several bills and buys groceries. He also has paid for several repairs to the house. What he pays comes to more than $35 or $40 per week.

[debsta922]

My mom's rule was that if you were in school you didn't have to pay room and board, but once you had a full time job it was expected. Once I turned 18 I bought my own clothes and any extras that I wanted that my mom thought was extravagant... She did buy me my first car as a graduation present, but I was responsible for the gas, taxes and insurance.
That being said, Dh and I have talked about what we will do with our boys. We will give Ds(13) his first car (one of our current ones)... he will be responsible for the gas, registration, and taxes and we will help him with the insurance... We both agree that if he's 18 and not going to college that he will have to kick up some room and board...

[Teresa]

I just talked to my aunt about this last weekend!! She's got a 25 yr. old, doesn't work, won't drive (refuses to get a liscense), doesn't attend school (he was asked to leave a few of them), AND his girl friend came over one day and never left!! SHE has a diploma (in something she can't find a job doing), and she has a part-time job, but that's it!! Neither pays rent, money for driving them about, etc. Aunt also has a 19 yr. old who pays no rent. NO-ONE cleans!! Aunt still buys their clothes, etc.

I told her to kick them all out!!

Now - I feel that unless you are planning to move, and the extra person living there is keeping you from doing so, demanding rent is a bit much. BUT - kids who are out of High School are either employed full time, or are full time students. Those that aren't can either leave or become employed or students.

If your DD is still in High School and she's paying for her own clothes, and her own cell, to me that's enough. I truly believe that SCHOOL IS their job!!

[Colexis Mom]

My kids are still too young, so here's what I went thru.

I went to college right after high school. I was blessed that it was a private education and my parents paid for most of it (no financial aid until my sophmore or junior year). I started working when I was 16, and every summer home from college, I had a job and that was my "spending" money at school. I paid for my own gas, but I think my Dad paid for my car insurance and any major repairs (like brakes/tires) that it needed at that point.

I graduated at 22 (4 years) without a job (recession of 1991). I came home for a few months, and they did not charge me rent. However, I cleaned, did my own laundry, and cooked I did start up a job in either September or October, and actually moved out of state in December when I got a job in my field.

For the most part, after that I paid my own way I had my own apartment, a new car, and some college loans. An major expense came up with my existing car, and my Dad paid, but then I got my new car, and I was on my own!

If your DD is not going to go to school, then I agree that she should start paying a small amount each month. If she's going to school, I wouldn't expect her to pay anything, but that's just me

[oldmom]

Wow, now I do feel like an awful mom, but the kids have told me that it was a good thing for them. Everyone had high school jobs, so they did too, but with the rule that grades could not suffer. They felt it taught them to budget their time wisely. DS had a full ride scholarship but turned it down after the first year. None of their friends lived at home so they were all going to college and living off campus. Mine paid a fraction of what their friends or their parents were paying. DS learned to cook and shop wisely. His friends would wonder where their money went and DS would point to the new DVDs and games, etc.

Guess the bottom line is to do what you think is best and you can afford.

[rescuesk]

DS paid for his car insurance, gas and repairs, cell phone and "spend money". We paid for school, room and board, school food plan, and did not charge him rent while he lived home and went to school. When he decided to move off campus (against our wishes) he took on that responsibility, although we did halp him out when he got in a bind. But it was a good lesson for him that things that you want don't come without a price.

Oldmom, I don't think you are a bad mom at all! :

[bonphil]

DS is now 18, and will be a high school senior in the fall. He works part time to pay for his gas, and spending money. We also make him pay for his own car insurance, and license plates. We can't afford his insurance and our cars also.

If he goes to college, which would be locally, I would not make him pay any rent. But if he does not, then I would charge him something every week, and save it for him, for when he does move out on his own.

[Disney_Scarlett]

I think it really depends on both the parents and the kids. I'll use me for an example. I'm the youngest of a total of 7 kids (including step-siblings). Each one of us has been different as far as when and how long we lived at home after high school. Some of us have only came home for college breaks, and after college gone totally on our own -- some of us have stayed a little longer. Okay, so I've stayed the longest. I went to college after high school. During college, I made extra money by babysitting, waitressing and my paid internship (not all at the same time). My money went to personal expenses - clothes, some gas, some groceries, etc. I didn't make much money at all, so my parents did help me out with some of my personal expenses in addition to my college expenses. Once I graduated, I lived on my own for a few months before I moved home to save money - I was done with paying rent and wanted to be able to save enough to own something of my own without being over my head in debt. That was a little less than two years ago. It's been a nice two years - I have my own space and rooms here, so most of the time I don't feel like I live with Mom and Dad. I've been able to make headway on my house-dreams. And as cheesy as it sounds, I really cherish the extra time I get to spend with my parents - I think I'll look back on this and be glad that we had this time together. My parents (especially my mom) really like having me here, too. When I moved back home, I had already taken over my insurance, phone bill, etc. and I offered to pay rent as well. My mom refused and continues to refuse, so I contribute in other ways - I buy groceries and household stuff like laundry detergent and cat litter before she has a chance to. I'll take them out to eat, and do as many chores around the house as I can (she gets a lot of it done while I'm at work). Sometimes I'll buy my mom flowers or a gift certificate to somewhere. I don't ever ask or expect her to do or pay for anything for me - she still does it sometimes though (there have been times when I come home from work and find my laundry done - not that I'm complaining!). I think she knows I'm really grateful, so I feel okay about it and not like I'm taking advantage - I work full-time at a big girl job, I contribute as much as my mom will accept, I respect their space, I pay my own bills. My siblings give me a hard time about still living at home (my older sisters insist that my mama was much "tougher" on them), but it works for us.

It really irritates me, though, when I hear about adult kids totally taking their parents' kindness as a weakness - not working, demanding laundry and groceries, treating them like maids and butlers and not fellow adults. I think if your child has enough maturity to have a certain level of respect, it can work really well - if not, it might end up being one of those, "give them an inch..." type of things.

[dejavu]

Scarlett, your family sounds wonderful - and you are the kind of child every parent hopes to have - responsible, respectful, considerate, caring, etc. It doesn't sound like your parents needed to charge you rent for you to understand the costs of being an adult. Some kids - like the ones you listed- definitely need an extra push towards adulthood.

[Rainbowy]

Scarlet, its good that you appreciate you great situation. Your older siblings are probably telling the truth though. My best freind in college was the youngest in a large family, and I knew some of her older siblings, and believe me, she got the BEST of both worlds, since by the time she was graduating, her parents were more financially secure, had more time, and didn't want to let go of that last nestling. She, like you, was extremely grateful for all of their help, but her siblings were understandably crying "no fair". After all, the oldest went to college when she was a small child, and her parents were very frugal at that time because they had 5 more kids to get through school. So those older siblings knew they were sorta on their own, sort of sink or swim.
Now your siblings are off living their own lives, and you get to benefit immeasurably because they were first. Make sure to thank them for being good examples, and some free babysitting from a cool aunt wouldn't hurt!
God Bless!

[stretch2864]

At my house it has been a gradual process for several years. When kids turn 18, they technically are adults, but in reality they are still just kids. When DD turned 18, she ended up going to her first year of college in town here. For the most part, she was still financially dependent on me. Year 2 found her moving down to AZ for school since she didn't like it at the college here. She took out a student loan in her name with a co-signer, and started assuming responsibility for her living expenses and tuition down there. I still carried her on my health insurance for part of that year, although second semester she signed up for insurance through the university. Up until this month (she just finished year three of college), I still had her on the family plan for her cell phone and was paying her auto insurance. However, she is taking a year off of school in order to work and establish residency. So that is why she has now taken over her cell phone and auto insurance. She is no longer financially dependent on me at all. So at 21, I would say that she is actually becoming an adult.

I never charged room and board, because a.) she is still family b.) she was only staying here for the summer, although last year and this year she has stayed down in AZ and c.) she wasn't making much money. I guess I would feel differently if she were not going to school and not contributing to work around the house etc. So I guess the final answer is that there is no set age for becoming an adult IMHO. It is a process rather than a specific milestone.

[Disney_Scarlett]

Originally Posted by Rainbowy

Now your siblings are off living their own lives, and you get to benefit immeasurably because they were first. Make sure to thank them for being good examples, and some free babysitting from a cool aunt wouldn't hurt!
God Bless!

That's true, I think I did luck out in a lot of ways being "last." My oldest siblings always had the same options I had as far as coming back home if they needed/wanted to - I think they didn't mainly because, for them, coming back home meant sharing a house with at least several younger siblings. Compared to their life they'd just finished at college, that didn't sound much fun. When I boomerang'ed back home, I didn't have to share with anyone (of course, one of my sisters and her family are living with us right now - they've moved back to NC and are waiting to sell their house in Illinois - so now I'm sharing, at least for now!).

I've babysat for free for them since my first nephew was born when I was 12, and I've had the pleasure of growing up with about 5 parental figures. I'm sure they would still say it's not an even trade. I'm going to see them all this evening at a cook out - I will thank them for being good examples.