When Are They Adults? About This Page:

[Nimros]

We (meaning DH and I) have been batting this one around for a while now - when do you consider your children 'grown' and on their own? When do you begin to expect them to be responsible for their own things, expenses, decisions, etc.?

This is a tough issue for us; DH has a really (in my viewpoint) skewed version of how families work due to his upbringing, which was radically different than mine. And we're also dealing with the 'yours, mine and ours' situation - which can really open a can of worms!

Now that oldest DD is 18, we're trying to determine what level of responsibility we need to expect from her. She is already paying her own cell phone bill and her portion of auto insurance and most of her own clothes (she knows I won't pay astronomical prices for the clothes she wants.) DH thinks she should start paying a nominal room and board. ("It's the only way she'll learn what it's like in the real world.") I feel like she needs a chance to slowly move up to these adult realities.

How has this worked for your families? What did your parents expect from you?

[Jookiba]

That's a tough one-unfortunately we all have to go thru it at one point or another.

I think it's great that your DD is paying for what she's paying for already, but I also see where your DH is coming from (re: room/board). Once they're 18 they're considered adults in this country.

This is just my personal opinion because I'll soon be in this situation with my oldest. I believe (and again, just MY opinion) if they're staying at home but going to school full-time, they shouldn't pay any rent BUT should have a part-time job to help out with expenses (such as cell phone, gas, car insurance, etc).

However, if they're NOT in school but just working, then yes she should be paying for room/board. If she were out on her own she'd have to pay rent somewhere anyways.

This can get into a heated debate real quick so I hope I didn't offend you Cathy-just my personal feelings on the subject and how I plan to apply this to my own situation.

[AmyJune]

My Mom had my brother pay rent once he got a decent job (he was working for a moving company). This was when he was 19 or 20. He only paid $100 or so (this is in the late 80's). He paid his car payment and had his own insurance. Really the only thing he didn't pay for was food. She put it in an account and when he was ready to move out into an apartment she gave it back to him.

Since I went to college I never had to pay rent, even working during the summers. Though to be honest most summers I lived with my brother and my rent was watching his dog (he was by then a firefighter and worked 24 hour shifts). I never moved back home after I graduated from college.

Maybe instead of rent, since she's probably in a fairly low paying job, have her do extra work around the house. The year I lived at home while going to college I only had classes 2 days a week. I started doing all the cleaning and cooking (I did most of this anyway since 8th grade) to make up for the fact that my parents were footing the bill for my schooling and not requiring me to work during the school year.

Good luck with your decision. I know it's not an easy one!

[TMWIlson7196]

My parents got divorced when I was 16. I lived with my mom. Once I turned 18 she said I could either move out or start paying her rent. I was working, paying for my own food, cloths, car and anything else I wanted. So I paid her rent until I met my future DH then we moved in together. JMO but if she is old enough to be out on her own and isnt then yes she should be paying you rent.

[marineswfe99]

Well I think that she should pay rent or a small amount each month. However, I would place it in a saving account and give it to her when she moves out. She will really need it then. But if she is in college and unable to work then I would not charge her school is the most importnant thing.

[oldmom]

Originally Posted by Nimros

We (meaning DH and I) have been batting this one around for a while now - when do you consider your children 'grown' and on their own? When do you begin to expect them to be responsible for their own things, expenses, decisions, etc.?

I have two kids 29 and 23. When did I expect them to be responsible for their own things, expenses, decisions? Technically, long before they were 18. As far as taking care of their rooms, things, doing laundry, etc they started in Jr High. As for expenses, they each had check books as soon as they had jobs. Savings accounts they always had. They saved up to buy the extras they wanted. DS made his own car payments while in high school. He also covered the insurance. DD covered her car insurance but she was willing to take the hand-me-down car so had no payments. They both covered gas and oil changes. DS paid for his own college and didn't live at home. DD pays a nominal rent $100/month and pays her part of the health insurance for her that I cover at work. The end result, neither have credit card debt. They plan, save and budget for things they want. DS and DDil live on a tight budget while he is in graduate school but they know the reward will be good.

DD's friends think its odd that she pays rent but she doesn't think its strange at all. She sees her friends constantly asking mom and dad for money or worrying about their debt.

As far as decisions, I'd say it was about the same. I tried long and long ago to teach my kids that decisions should be thought out and MUST be their own. "Because everyone else is doing it" was not an option. But on the other hand, most decisions aren't final, if you make a bad choice, realize it and change course. Personal responsibilty was a biggie at our house.

It can be really tough when parents can't agree. However, I work at a college and so many kids aren't ready to leave home these days. They don't take any responsibilty for their actions (miss 14 classes=fail the class), they let their parents handle everything.

As far as when they are all grown up....never. They will always be my babies.

[graygables]

When my older DDs were home, they were expected to work and pay their own car bills at 16. We paid the insurance, but they made the payments, gas, oil, etc. Now-20yo actually started working at 15 and I drove her back and forth in her car. She had to pay me a small stipend each week for my time, too. Any clothes over and above the basics were their responsibility, non-family meals outside the home, and for now-20yo, dental work caused by her refusing to properly care for her teeth. They also paid their own cell bills and had to learn that texting wasn't free.

Both DDs moved to my parents before they were 18, but most of our expectations went with them. At 18, they were expected to contribute to the household finances, mostly in groceries. At 22 and 20, they are moving into their first apartment in Orlando this weekend and 20 yo will have a full reality check of what it's like to be completely supporting herself.

My younger 2 will have one year post graduation rent-free. They will have financial obligations starting at 15/16, same as their sisters and will have those obligations increased as they grow older. At 18, they, too, will be required to help out with groceries and utilities and if they choose to live with us beyond 19, they will pay rent as well. It's a gradual ramping up of responsibility...I've seen too many 18yos dumped with absolutely no idea of how to pay for things, but I've also seen too many 20-somethings with no responsibilities at all.

[duck addict]

On of my 18th birthday presents was a set of "apron strings". Never got a car until I could pay for it and insure it myself. No rent, as long as I was a full time student, but the house rules still applied. Then again, that was back in the stoneage (1960's )

[simbarel]

I've always felt that demanding rent from an 18 year old was a little extreme...and a little cold-hearted.

[wheatenwalker]

While my 'kids' are full time students, their "job"is/was to graduate- they work (ed) and paid for their own clothes beyond things like socks/underware/essentials, and other very basic things ( clothes wise.) They helped pay for gas, car insurance but mostly the expectation is /was that they save their $$ for spending $ during school so that they could work less and concentrate on their "job"= school. My older son graduated and has a job and an apt- so I feel like that was a sucessful plan. My younger son is still in school and its working for him too-

[Melissa1214]

I'm planning to do exactly what my parents did for me and my siblings. As long as we were in school full time we were not expected to pay our own way. At 16 we were each provided with a car and my parents paid for that, the gas and insurance. I had no bills other that those that I created myself (credit card bills mostly). Their thought was that we needed to focus on our education and not worry about working. My brother and sister both quit college and were expected to pay their own way at that point. I lived at home until I was 24 and got married. I started working after I got my undergrad degree, but continued going to school. My parents continued to pay for everything except bills I created myself. I plan to do the same for my kids as long as I'm able. I wouldn't have been able to get the education that I did without my parents help, and I most certainly wouldn't have the job that I do now either.

[TxDisMom]

This is one question I'm going to just bury my head in the sand and pretend I never saw it

My kids are 11 and 9, and with my 11 year old being on the autism spectrum and having MAJOR issues at the moment, I don't see any signs of having to worry about this for a LONG time.

Personally, I wouldn't ask for room and board or anything until after college. Although even then, I would be hard-pressed to do it, but that's just me. I think if my youngest had a job in her teens I would consider asking her to pay for car insurance or a cell-phone bill, but that's about it.

I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable though! I'm probably more than a little unusual

[scottjs]

I just picked up a newspaper from a lawyer friend of mine. Its a very interesting paper about how everything changes as soon as a teenager reaches the age of majority!! 18!!! The whole legal system just sees that person as a adult. Break a window at 17 you will be punished a little break it at 18 and see what happens. All that said--I think it is harder now to find a job at 18(And every other age). So maybe let them stay a little longer for free. Most 18 year olds can't wait to get out and away from mom and dad. That comes soon enough. But I am no expert in the matter!!

[Rainbowy]

In my family, when you graduate High School, you have the summer to figure things out, and then you either go to college, or get a job.
If you go to college, M&D still pay for your health and Auto insurance, as well as keep whatever car YOU buy ,with their approval, running. They helped with college the first year, after that you had to do loans, grants, whatever.
If you chose not to go to school, then you had to begin to pay "rent" in the fall, and were responsible for your own insurance.
We had to pay for our own clothes and "stuff" since we were in high school.

I went to college and Mom and Dad gave me a phone calling card to call home which they paid. They also gave me money for gas when I drove home, which was a couple hours drive.

With our children, we plan to send them to college, with as much help as we can give, especially with transportation. As far as clothes and cell phones. They will have to buy those themselves.

[lukeandbrookesmom]

As long as we lived at home and we were in college we only had to pay for our personal expenses once we graduated from HS. Room and board was on mom and dad. I went away to college but still came home many, many times during the school year. I didn't move away from home officially until I graduated college.