Long Distance or Local Grandparents?? About This Page:

[tkm1005]

Oh the guilt!!

So...my life has taken a variety of turns since college. One of which was doing the WDW College Program, which turned into a 10 year career with Disney...which was great until I got married and had kids. Living 2300 miles from mom and dad. Then, when pregnant w/baby number 2 we made the terrible decision to move to their city, SLC. The thought being that, while we didn't want to live there permanently, I didn't grow up there, it would be a good place to live for awhile and a safety net with mom and dad around if things didn't work out from a job perspective etc. (Not that we wanted to live in mom and dad's basement...but it was an option.) Well as luck would have it we did ok for about 2 years and then my husband was offered a job in TN. One of those once in a lifetime opportunities that you just don't pass up. So as painful as it was we moved the kids from grandma and grandpa again. But now it just seems much worse when we come back to visit because we used to live here...and well we could still live here and we don't. Our 5 year old doesn't help much when she keeps asking "why don't we live here anymore" in front of them. Its been a year and a half since we moved away and quite honestly with the exception of missing my family, I really do like the community better, our house, the schools in TN better.

So I don't know if there is a question here, other than, will it ever stop feeling like I am the terrible daughter who took away the grandkids? How many have long distance grandparents vs local? I also find the visits we do have so exhausting and mentally draining. We try to fit everything in the weeks we do have together and I just feel so bad everytime we leave.

[JoanW]

Do they come to visit you? It's a two way street, not to mention easier on your family not to have to travel.

[graygables]

I grew up across an ocean from my grandparents. When I had my older 2 DDs, I lived nearby for most of the time or travelled frequently to visit. I lived with my parents periodically between moves and when I returned to school after my divorce. When I met hubby, I moved 1000 miles away. I needed to be that far away from my mother, to be honest. For the last 13 years, I have heard every single day, how I need to move back (among other things ) When I remind her that they lived across an ocean from my grandparents, she says, "But we didn't LIKE our parents"... and???

Christmas is the worst for me b/c my Dad and I had some special traditions that we obviously no longer have. The "Waiting for Christmas" Hallmark ad KILLS me every year. Other than that, I read the book, Boundaries (Cloud & Townsend?) and that really helped me see that my immediate family has to come first. Letting go of that guilt is SO hard, but your visits will be much more relaxed if you do.

[kimberlym322]

Growing up I always had both. My fathers parents was always about 10 mins away until we moved to the easteren shore. My mothers dad and step mom was a bounce between, they were either close or far away. My mothers mom lives 1/2 way across the country in CO. It is hard when you go back to visit but as time gos on you will see that it was what was best for you, hubby and your kids. If your parents are putting a guilt trip on you ask them to stop it. I would also talk to your 5 year old and tell her that you all moving was the best choice for you all, you can always tell her she only has 13 more years and she can move back there on her own if (s)he wants to.

[GATechGal]

Growing up, we were 14 hours away from my grandparents. What my folks did was every summer they would drive up and leave me at one set of grandparents and my brother at the other set. Then my folks would disappear for a week (not sure where THEY went - I think Dad was making sales calls). When the reappeared they would swap the grandkids and disappear for another week. So we got some special time with the grandfolks and Mom and Dad got some alone time. We got transferred when we were teenagers and were within about an hour of each grandparent, but I don't think we saw them any more. So don't worry about your kids. You are doing what's right for your family.

[poohmaine]

My dad and DH's mom live 3 hours away. They are our closest relatives. Although I sometimes wish they lived closer (especially when the girls were younger), I never regretted moving to where we live and buying our house and 3.25 acres-- which we never, ever could afford if we had stayed in MA.

[valegirl5292]

Growing up my mom's parents lived 45 minutes away, we saw them all the time. My dad's parents lived about two hours away near the Jersey shore. Once they moved would think that they moved a 1000 miles away because we rarely saw them.

Now that I have my own kids history is kind of repeating itself my mom lives 20 minutes away and my kids are extremely close to her and see her all the time but my dad lives about 45 minutes away and we never see him.

I think if I had to move my family away, it would be hard but you have to do what is best for you and your family. We would find a way to make it work.

[krisk11]

My mom lives 15 minutes away and we see her quite often but if dd got an opportunity to go to a good school out of state she and I would move away. Her grandparents on her dad's side (now just the grandmom but use to be both) also live 15 minutes away but we rarely see her.

[Colexis Mom]

Growing up my paternal grandparents were the next town over, and my maternal grandparents were about an hour's drive away.

I now live in CT, equally spaced (about 2.5 hours) from both sets of parents. We see them a couple times of year, and can go home on a whim if need be, but we're really by ourselves

[eff051102]

I grew up living long distance from my grandparents and we would visit
most every summer. When I was little I remember being scared since I
didn't really remember them from year to year. Once they died I wished
that we lived closer.

My parents and DH parents are long distance also. We see my parents
maybe 3 times a year (they live near Austin) but we don't see my DH's
parents much at all. They live in CA and my FIL WON'T fly. As in he
didn't come to our wedding because he wouldn't fly!

I wish my DD had more family around her, but unless we move...it won't
ever happen.

[HiddenMickey]

My parents moved us hundreds of miles and many states away from our relatives. They were the only ones to go very far. We visited once or twice a year when we were young, but as we got older we saw our grandparents, cousins and other relatives infrequently.

My mother told me once when I was grown, that my grandparents actually got to know us kids better than they did my cousins. When we were visiting with them (or them with us) we had days on end to do things together since we'd be in the same house with them. My cousins would generally only be over for a few hours for special events. It really made me feel good to know that I was getting good quality time with my grandparents when I was always sad about the quantity was not there.

I hope your kids will have the same experience. Being close in miles to someone is not necessarily going to make them closer or know each other better. I hope that your family does get to spend quality time with the grandparents now and then.

[Melissa1214]

My kids have one set of each. My parents live with us. They moved in with us a couple of years ago after I was diagnosed with cancer and were a huge help with the girls. We have a fully finished basement and that's their "home". It was supposed to be temporary, but I'm just fine with it being permanent. They are extremely involved in my kids lives and it's wonderful having them with us.
Dh's parents live in Colorado and pretty much never see our kids. It's an extremely sore subject for me too. My fil is an airline retiree and they could fly for free, but they won't. They give us a hard time for not coming to see them, but it would cost a small fortune for us to do so. They have little interest in my kids and it's taken me a lot time to realize that they're the ones missing out.

[Lemap760]

I grew up 7 hours away from one set of grandparents and 9 hours away from the other. We only visited once a year during summer vacations. Our visits were very special since we weren't dragged to the grandparents for every special occasion. I don't know how my parents felt about being away from their families. They never talked about it. All I know is that we never went anywhere else for vacation except to visit relatives.

[Teresa]

My mother's parents were within half an hour away. One of my cousins lived in Texas (we're in Indiana) and came to visit (aunt used grandparents as summer babysitters) every single summer. While we SAW the grandparents more, I think she GOT more of them. Being as close as we were, we were at their place weekly or more. Since we were there so much, we were just part of the fixtures. When cousin came, she was treated to all the things we wanted our grandparents to do with us (they signed HER up for the Y, took HER to the circus, took HER to movies, took HER out to eat, paid for HER to have music and dance classes, and the worst part - I saw Grandpa hug HER and tell HER he loved HER). Of course, now as an adult, I can see that they were heaping on her all of the attention they thought she missed the 10 months she wasn't here, but it still hurts a bit.
I WANTED to live farther away!

Same basic story with my dad's mom. She moved away from Indy when I was about 8ish, but was close enough day trips were possible. My cousins from California were treated to more of Grandma's time than we were (all at once, though).

I think your DDs will be fine no matter where you live. As long as their grandparents love them, that's all that counts. And I agree - as long as those grandparents are in good heath, the road runs both ways.
Invite the parents, and then have your DDs show them around THEIR world.

[tkm1005]

Thank you for all the responses. I posted this last night as we were packing up to leave their home in UT and we were flying all day so I didn't get to see the responses until now.

Its funny the comments that several of you made about having more "quality" time with the grandparents because you don't live down the street. That was actually our experience when living there. I would ask my parents to participate in things like, going to the zoo, festivals, etc and they would decline, - but now that we are visiting they take time off of work and plan their day around whatever the kids want to do.

I know that we did make the best choice, and I'm hoping the visits will get easier. They are coming to see us in December. So as long as we always sort of have the next trip planned it makes things that much easier.