Need Advice...MIL About This Page:

[bau8]

First, having your MIL allow the kids to have ice cream or something like that before dinner is not the end of the world. Having the uniform getting messy because of it is something else.
Second, I agree with the fact that your children should know better than to go in your purse. That conversation you need to have with your children.
Third, going in your closet, that is a conversation your husband needs to have with his mom, not you.
Grandparents for the most part are meant to be able to enjoy their grandkids using their own rules to some extent. That is what they really wanted since they finished raising their own children.
I hate to say this because you shouldn't speak ill of the dead, (meaning my MIL) but at least your MIL is willing to even watch your children. My MIL was never willing to watch them. She had even announced at DH's and my wedding rehearsal that we shouldn't think about bringing any children to her to watch because she had raised her sons and she was done. She never even invited us to her place for a visit with the children. She would visit with them if she came to our house or we brought her to my parents house for a holiday, but we (w/children) were not welcome in her house. That was just the way she was.
Now my parents on the other hand are a whole different story. They might spoil my DDs but they still have rules that they must follow. And considering my mom is a "let's look at the dessert menu to decide what I should order for dinner person," letting my DDs eat or do something that I might not necessarily allow them to do, is not the end of the world. After all, I turned out okay.
The best advice that anyone can give you though is to be guided by your heart, gut and head.

[Tigger71]

Yep, I'm with Cheryl - How about grandma watches the kids at her home. Then you can leave any mess she doesn't insist the kids tidy up AND she won't be able to rummage through your stuff. You will have no control over what the kids eat/buy when they are with grandma but grandmas should be able to spoil their grandkids sometimes. I have many happy memories of things done with my grandparents that I would never have done with my folks or even considered 'fun' activities if done with my mum-LOL!
Don't sweat the small stuff, pick your battles and consider yourself lucky that grandma is willing to babysit for you!!!!

[bitterchickey]

to you! I am sooooooo lucky my mil lives in Missouri!
If she were closer, I'd probably be in jail.

[fairestofthemall]

My mom does the same thing. She has that same attitude - I am the grandmother and what I say goes when you are not around or most of the time, even if I am in the same room. What I have learned is just to try and let it go.

But here is an example so you know that I know your pain... Dh and I went to dinner one night and came home and the kids had only eaten chocolate for dinner! I was mad but they were still alive. I could go on and on but I have just tried to suck it up. Hey, it is free babysitting!

Good luck!!!
Danielle

[TxDisMom]

I don't have a MIL and my DH doesn't have a problem with my mother(so he had no advice either), but I still wanted to send you major

[qesue]

Dealing with a MIL can be tricky business! Maybe having DH be the one to talk to her would make it easier for her to hear what you have to say. Is there room to compromise? There are certain lines that just should never be crossed: going into your closet, allowing your kids to go through your purse. I'm not a very private person, but that would put me over the edge! On the other hand, I've come to realize that my kids will be no worse for wear if their dinner is spoiled by ice cream once in a while or if grandma spoils them by buying them something special. It's a grandparents prerogative to spoil their grandchildren, even though it can sometimes drive us parents a little crazy! Even at 40 something years old, I can remember the special treats my grandparents used to give my brother and me - and it still brings a smile to my face to remember them so fondly! Your MIL won't be around forever, so maybe if you can cut her a little slack in some areas, she'll find it easier to respect your wishes in other areas. Good luck!

[Happymommy]

Oh boy--- you're talking to the wrong person here, I have big MIL issues. No advice here-- My MIL can't stand me. She said I'm the most difficult person she's ever met and her life has been hell since I met her DS (I was 17yo--- I was so shy I barely spoke to her). I think we all have our lines that can't be crossed. She's gotten them ice cream right before dinner a few times (she comes over one afternoon a week to see them), and I'm fine with that. But we're not the healthiest of eaters anyway. I have other issues though--she took Danny to see Santa Clause one day when she was with them-- she actually waited in line and put the kids on Santa's lap --- it was Danny's first time seeing Santa. It was the first weekend of December, and we hadn't made it to Santa yet. She said it was a spur of the moment thing, and she didn't think to ask me first. I was upset about that. That's our big hangup. She wants to have all of these experiences with them, and doesn't want me around. If she wanted to be there for Santa, she could come with DH and me. But she wants to be the first to take them to special movies or exhibits things like that, and she gets mad that I have to do everything with them first. She got mad that we joined a pool, because in the summer she likes to bring them to a family member's pool one afternoon a week (but I'm not invited-- which is fine, but it's funny too), so she literally got mad when she found out we had a pool to go to. I've vented here about her before, and I've been told that I'm lucky I have a mIL who will do those things with my kids, which I completely understand and agree, but I don't want to miss out on these special things with my children. Take them to the park, out to eat, whatever that's fine. But we got them tix years ago to Blues Clues Live, and then she tried to take them the week before the show we had already spent $150 on tickets for-- things like that. She does Disney on Ice every year, and that's her thing and that's cool, but it seemed like she wanted to do everything. She actually yelled at me because I don't leave my house when she comes over because doesn't want to see me, only them. I don't have anywhere to go. Ahhh, sorry to hijak your thread-- feels so good to vent sometimes. I offered no advice though (sorry)Oh well--- MILs! Good Luck-- I'll send lots of pixies!!!!!!!!

[ImGoofy3mmc]

Thanks for the advice everyone, I think I'm just not going to ask her to watch the kids unless I'm absolutely stuck. Although The idea of her watching them at her house is really good and I can use the excuse that since we just got a puppy about a month ago and I know she's nervous around the puppy I'll bring the kids to her. I agree that the ice cream is not that big a deal it's that he made a mess out of his uniform which was just washed and he was supposed to wear it again the very next day so I feel like everytime I ask her to watch the kids or do me a favor I wind up with more work then if I did it myself KWIM. I really appreciate her help and I know she loves my kids, but she is just the type of person who will try to take over and over steps boundaries if you let her. As far as my DD4 she asked my MIL can I look in mommy's pocket book to see if there are snacks and MIL said sure... DD going in my pocket book has never been an issue, after it happened I told DD that if she wanted something from my pocket book she would have to wait for me to get it out for her, I felt that MIL should have known that it is not okay to go into mommy's bag and she told her yes. When she watches the kids they are always okay when I get home, but I do question whether my MIL has the common sense to keep them safe because there have been more than several occasions when we've all been together and they are watching one of the kids and my DH has said to them what were you thinking letting them do that because it was obviously unsafe and it seems like they didn't even think. MY kids are 6, 4 and 2 so they need someone who will watch them and tell them NO, not someone who wants to be their friend and let them do what ever they want... we have told the 6 and 4 y/o that if they don't behave and follow the rules we have when Grandma is watching them then she wont get to watch them anymore. My kids actually prefer it when my mom watches them and she makes them clean up after themselves and would never let them do something that she thought was questionable and they absolutely adore her, she spoils them sometimes but she doesn't let them do things that she knows I wouldn't approve of. I guess I know how I feel about what my MIL is doing I just want to have a nice way of telling her so I don't hurt her feelings and a way of telling her that I want her in the kids lives and somethings are okay but others are not okay. DH says he'll tell her because he has gotten very annoyed with some of the things she does , but I feel it has to come from me, she still sees DH as a little boy and doesn't take him seriously at all. THanks again for all the advice, I think right now I'm just at the point where I'm so annoyed I have to do something otherwise even the small things she does are going to bother me.

[Happymommy]

Originally Posted by ImGoofy3mmc

I agree that the ice cream is not that big a deal it's that he made a mess out of his uniform which was just washed and he was supposed to wear it again the very next day so I feel like everytime I ask her to watch the kids or do me a favor I wind up with more work then if I did it myself KWIM. .

Oh---you know I think I missed that, I do understand what you're saying, that does stink. One day my MIL decided that she would host arts and crafts with the kids here, and guess who was left to clean up the mess. I think I complained to Dh as I cleaned up. I do understand!!!! I think I see the words MIL, and I just go right into my own problems.

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