<sigh>....I don't know where or how to start this.... About This Page:

[Jookiba]

I don't know who remembers my post a few months ago about my teenaged DD and the lies she told regarding going out of town w/her BF and his family, and certain things that happened on that trip. I got alot of encouragement and well-needed advice as I wasn't upset with her so much at what she did; it was the fact that she covered it up with lies.

That was nothing that compared to what has happened tonight. I was at work and she called around 5:30 saying her and her brother were going to bed (they keep my wacko hours during the summer). About five minutes later (I didn't answer it as we were slammed all night-it was vibrating in my pocket) I had a voicemail which I thought was odd. I finished up w/my patient, went out in the hall, and listened, fearing the worst (that my uncle had passed). It was her BF's mother saying she had kicked my DD out of their house as they had just been "caught in the act".

I don't know what to do anymore. Well, I know one thing, and that is from now on the nights I work they are with my parents (who live two doors down). Part of me is so enraged that #1 she walked about 4 miles in the dead of night alone to his house, #2 she left her brother home alone during this time, and #3 told her brother to lie to cover for her, then #4 called and lied to me that they were going to bed.

All of the "what if's" are running thru my head (as us moms do) and that will send me to an early grave if I continue to think of them (what if she'd been abducted, hit by a car, attacked by a dog or a wild animal, what if the house had caught on fire, etc).

I was a teenager once. I did stupid things, and I'm not sitting here tooting my own horn saying I'm perfect this, perfect that, yada yada yada. That's the furthest from the truth-I do my best and live my life answering to one person above and abide by the laws of both society as well as right and wrong so I can sleep at night.

I'm rambling because my mind is going a million miles a minute. Am I a bad mother to admit I am so mad right now I can't think straight and have absolutely NO idea what to do?

I just don't know what to do.

[Colexis Mom]

[Lemap760]

You're not a bad mother for feeling the way you do. I think it's normal for a parent to get mad, not know what to do, etc. I don't have any advice, just lots of pixies to get you through this phase of her life.

[wheatenwalker]

Teenagers are tough! I think its a good idea to have her stay at your parents while you're working- Pixies to you!! ( you arent a bad mother-- teenagers are just tough!!!)

[krisk11]

: pixie:Pixies from the mother of a 13 yr old who I pray doesn't give me any more grey hairs than I already have. Try not to do anything until you calm down. I get insane at things at first and wish I would wait until I can see straight to deal with the issue but unfortunately I don't always do it.

[Nimros]

No, you're not a bad mom for being mad. I think I'd kill 'er!!!

Seriously though, I'm sending your lots of because I know today and the next few are going to be really tense at your house. You guys will get through it - hopefully both alive!

Can I come over and shake her for you???? ("What were you thinking?!?!")

Please let us know how things go...or I'll be getting some grey hairs along with you.

[HiddenMickey]

Oh lordy!. I am so so so sorry you are having to deal with this. I have no advise since I haven't been through anything similar. Just lots of hugs and pixies .

[ImGoofy3mmc]

[minemoz1]

Teenagers are tough! I think its a good idea to have her stay at your parents while you're working- Pixies to you!! ( you arent a bad mother-- teenagers are just tough!!!)

[dejavu]

I'm so sorry. I do remember the previous incident. I really have no idea how to get through to a teenager who thinks he/she knows what they're doing.

I've repeatedly told my DD (14) that you better think long and hard about getting personal with a guy- he will be in your life forever if you get pregnant. Unfortunately, most girls are probably smitten with the guy they're dating and don't even think that it's bad if they're stuck with that guy in their life forever.

I'm sure you and the other mom are equally mortified. It's distressing to know that you CAN'T watch your teen every minute, as hard as you try. I don't know you personally, but I do know that everything I've read from your posts show how level-headed you are and that you're a great mom. I'm finding out from my own two teens that they will exert their independence in the most surprising ways- and not always the way I raised them!

I think your idea of having your parents watch them when you work is a good one. I'm guessing you and the boy's parents will have a sit-down with the kids and talk about their poor decision making- especially addressing the 'what-ifs' you mentioned. They have definitely broken your trust in them and it will take a long time to earn it back. I would probably give the "respect" and "character" lectures again too.

I don't know what type of priveleges can be revoked or if that even makes a difference. Maybe they can sign up for some type of community service where they spend a lot of time holding crying babies, or can visit a teenage parents group.

Sorry for my rambling... I, too, would be so mad I couldn't see straight. That's perfectly normal considering how much you love your daughter and want what's best for her- and know that that isn't it.

Pixies for you to come up with a strategy to reign in your daughter's behavior - and pixies for you to cope with all of this.

[jimmymac]

[Jookiba]

Originally Posted by Nimros

Can I come over and shake her for you???? ("What were you thinking?!?!")

Can you do this please?

I really thought she had learned her lesson by what happened with the previous incident, but obviously not.

Renee, no I will NOT be discussing anything with the mother. That's another reason I am enraged-the way she talked about my daughter as if she had forced herself upon her son has just added fuel to the fire. As mad and upset as I am at DD, I'll be daggone if I'm going to allow the person who swore to me these two would not be alone at all when they were on their trip and who NEVER returned my phone calls when I approached her to discuss that mess try and tell me my daughter is the only one at fault!! Last time I remembered it takes two to tango.

I can also tell you this-had the shoe been on the other foot (me being the one catching them in my house), in no way shape or form would I have made him walk 5 miles home in the middle of the night, even as upset as I am. I would never kick a minor out at 4:30AM-I would have kept him at my house until the sun came up then we would have went to his house together to hash all of this out. I've actually called my attorney to see if I should pursue anything legally regarding this fact.

<sigh> I greatly appreciate all of you for reading this and supporting me. I feel comforted knowing I can rely on my PP family thru the difficult days ahead.

[JaimeandChad]

[Huntermom]

I think Renee is right on the money. You need to address trust issues with your DD. She has demonstrated that she cannot be trusted and let her know it will be a long time before you can trust her again.

I think that until you can trust to not to lie about where she is (not necessarily related to BF) and not to ask her brother to lie for her, she will need to be much more closely supervised. Make sure your parents know to keep a close eye on her.

I think volunteering is a great idea. I would also make sure her summer is very busy with structured activities. Do not let her balk at being busy. When teens don't have enough to do, they have a greater chance to make a mistake. I also have found that kids that are busy and have goals, are less likely to become sexually involved. Does your DD have an activity/interest that she's really good at. Too many young women still feel that their self worth is connected to having a boyfriend.

Also, I would talk to her about having a BF and what that means. I agree with Renee that pregnancy links kids forever. I have represented some very nice young men who are spending their college weekends working to pay child support, rather than going off and having a good time with their friends. And a few young women who have seen career dreams put on hold while they care for their child.

One final thought, think about some counseling for you and DD. Sometimes a third party can make talking easier.

My thoughts are with you.

Diane

[WDWfan]

Oh Jooki I so remember that feeling of anger. When my DD was in high school she was the perfect child. Well not perfect, but pretty good for a teenager. One day her senior year I got a call from school wanting to confirm that she was home sick. Apparently she was so bad at lying that she called herself in whispering in the middle of the night and saying it was "Beth's aunt". How stupid could she be. Of course the attendance office was suspicious immediately.

At first I thought it was funny. She had never done anything like this before. She got caught and would have to pay the price. I even called one of her teachers I knew well to be sure she wasn't in school. It was early December and I figured she and a couple of her friends had skipped school to do something fun. I was even laughing about it to my ex (who wasn't an ex then).

Suddenly I remembered that day was her one year anniversary with her boyfriend who was in school at the University of Iowa - 225 miles away! And I knew where she was. I was livid. She had taken our car and driven ALONE to Iowa, across state lines and she had lied to us about her plans for the day, including a story of staying after school to wrap Christmas presents for the annual holiday gift drive. For all I knew something could have happened on the road. We had let her drive to Iowa one other time, but insisted she have a friend go with so she wouldn't be alone.

I called her cell phone multiple times and of course she didn't answer. When she finally got home that night I was lying in wait. Her coat wasn't off before I went off! Those of you that know me know that I'm a pretty calm person, but the 2 things that really set me off are my kids lying to me or someone putting them in danger and my daughter had done both.

I don't think I have ever been madder. My ex just sat there. He didn't have to say a word, because I said enough for both of us. My daughter lost her driving priveleges until after Christmas. She wasn't allowed to ride in cars with her friends. She had to take a bus to school or walk the mile from our house - and being a Senior she wasn't about to ride the bus so she walked (and this was December in Chicago). She could only go somewhere if we took her at our convenience. And she didn't get to go back to Iowa for the rest of the year. It took a while, but we eventually started trusting her again. She wrote us the most amazing letter of apology and left it on our bed the next morning. I still have it. Someday I'll share it with her.

I guess I'm telling you this because I can understand your anger. Jooki - you're a good Mom. Be tough for awhile. The anger will go away, but she's got to rebuild your trust. For some reason teenagers think they are invincible and do really stupid things sometimes. I know your DD is a good kid. With your help she'll be OK.