I need to vent
About This Page: This is a discussion on I need to vent within the The Family Room: Family and Friends, part of the PassPorter Community - Message Boards and Forums; Amy - I understand! I know this hurts and that it seems easier to just walk away at this point, but ...

patty c. · 01-23-2003, 01:23 AM

Amy - I understand! I know this hurts and that it seems easier to just walk away at this point, but now is not the time to make that decision. As you've said, you've been depressed. This isn't the ideal state of mind to make such a life-altering decision.

My DH and I had quite a few hurdles the first 11 years of our marriage. Hurdles, that was stupid word to use, it was HELL! Anyway, I was told something that was startling yet true, and it was this: Deal with this here and now, because this same pattern will surface again with the next person, or the next. Okay, I can sense that you want to reach through the computer and hit me. I felt that way when I was told, but it was true. I had always been a "giver" also, and much of my self-image was based on my performance and actions, and how others responded to that. In short, my self-worth came from outside rather than from within. You have been depressed because of how others have treated you. You can not change THEM, but you CAN change how it affects you, and how you respond to them. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO LEARN TO BE HAPPY AND SECURE REGARDLESS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS. Then, and only then, will you be able to make a wise decision about what is best for you. For me, it took about 6 months of weekly or semi-weekly private counseling. DH went at first, but quit. I kept going even though "he was the one with the problem!"

We just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. The last half has been absolutely stupendous! I would go through it all again just to have and appreciate what we have now. But the whole turning point was when I changed MY RESPONSE to the idiotic behavior around me. If you must make a decision right now, make it be that you will regain control of your emotions and life.

Darn, the worse part about only talking in posts is that you never know the emotion behind the words. I hope this didn't come across too harsh. Please know that I am saying this with a tremendous amount of love and encouragement. As others have said, we'll all be here for you!

Suzie · 01-23-2003, 10:41 AM

I agree with the others that counseling, even by yourself is a good idea, probably the best idea.
I went through kind of a similar thing with my husband about ten years ago,only it wasn't family it was his friends. He was so involved in their lives and their troubles that he had nothing left to give me. We had two kids and another on the way and I could have used counseling but we couldn't afford it at the time. Eventually I just exploded and yelled and threw things and behaved in a manner that was just not me. But at least he had to listen, and after that, slowly, it began to get better. A lot of what helped was just learning to say what I was thinking at the time and not hold it in. If he wanted me to do something and I didn't want to, I said no. No more Ms. Nice Guy closing my eyes to everything and stewing in private. And I didn't care what he said to me when I knew I was right. He was mad at first, but he too had to think about what he wanted and what he had been doing.
It must have had some effect because we are still together (29 married, 32 all together). And his old friends? Haven't heard a peep from them in ten years. Turned out, when he stopped giving them money and running them around, they went away.
I hope everything works out for you, no matter what you decide to do. Things will work out for the best. [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img]
Suzie

**LilMarcieMouse** · 01-23-2003, 11:00 AM

Amy I'm sorry to hear fo the problems. I too don't have any magical words,But like the rest you are in my Prayers. Good Luck with figureing this out.

**Diz** · 01-23-2003, 11:14 AM

Amy,
As you can tell, you are not alone...all of your pp friends are here and ready to listen.

Counseling is so important...if you can't afford it, go to a local church and the priest/pastor will counsel you for free! Counseling would help you to manage your thoughts and search your feelings on a level you can't do alone.

The counselor would also give you suggestions on how to face DH's family and their awful attitudes toward you.

But in the meantime, my advice would be to stand firm and counter anything they say to you with something positive about yourself. Don't let them knock-down your self-esteem. Hold your head high.

Pixie dust that you will find the right counselor! I hope you'll find the peace and happiness that exists admist this pain.

**Shell_of_the_South** · 01-23-2003, 01:35 PM

Amy, you are in my thoughts and prayers! Just want you to know, when someone on these boards hurt, I do too! I know that sounds silly when we haven't met, but I feel like I know you guys, and I hate to hear your having hard times!

pflamingo · 01-24-2003, 10:01 AM

Hi Amy, just got a chance to read your post, and thought I'd add my encouragement/advice (worth what you're paying for it [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img] ).

First, definitely consider counseling. I've done it -- actually got me through a couple of extremely bad periods. Everyone I know who's gone through it has been helped immensely (with the right therapist, of course). As someone said before, it's not just for weak people -- it takes a lot of courage to ask for help, and it's so wonderful when you get it. Really helps you figure out what you need to do and how to do it.

Second, I've never been married, but I've been through my share of emotionally abusive relationships. You see, my problem was, I thought these losers needed me to "rescue" them from their pasts -- bad family life, bad relationships, yadda yadda -- when in fact, they didn't want to be rescued. They were perfectly happy being losers, and my love and affection was just a bad joke because they thought I was so desperate to be with them that I'd put up with anything. And for a while, I was.

Therapy taught me that I didn't have to put up with any of that. I finally figured out that I was much better off on my own than with anyone who would treat me so badly. I learned to treat myself very well and to value my own company. I think my friends would tell you I became a much more interesting person once I realized I didn't need a relationship to validate my existence. And after a few years on my own, I met my current signif-other, who absolutely worships the ground I walk on and would go to the gates of hell and back again for me. (It just so happens I'd do the same for him, but only after I knew he'd do it for me, first [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img] ). It took a looooong time to find this one, and yes, I was lonely sometimes, but I always had friends who loved me, so that made it much easier.

I wish you the best in making your decision. It won't be easy either way, but you need to take care of yourself, whatever that entails. If you'd like some advice on how to find a good therapist, please e-mail or PM me. I have a degree in Psych and know some things to look for in a good "shrink". Or if you just need another shoulder to cry on, feel free. We "chicks" gotta stick together. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

A. Monster · 01-27-2003, 11:03 AM

You guys have no idea how much your posts have meant to me. It's wonderful to know that there are people out there who care: some who can empathize, and others who, although they've never been through anything similar, can offer support and prayers. It makes me feel so much less alone in this.

I've realized that I'm not ready to walk away from this. Josh is a good man who has moments of clarity where he realizes how manipulative, irresponsible and cruel his brother can be; how his mother never wants to accept responsibility for anything she does and wants everything handed to her rather than work for it -- but when the chips are down he chokes and forgets all that. It's frustrating, but I can't walk away because of it. I've prayed and prayed and prayed some more, and like Tikibird said about her own situation, I don't feel led by God to leave. I think I do need to go to counseling on my own to deal with my depression and to learn how to handle things in a better way for me, rather than just letting them keep happening. I know that this is something that I helped create - when DH and I first got together, I was so afraid of his family not liking me that all I did was try to please and they (and he) came to expect that of me. Instead of liking me for it, they took the opportunity to walk all over me. Not that I'm saying it's my fault, but I allowed it to happen, and I let DH think that it was ok, too. And now that I've stewed for so long and have finally had enough, it's so much harder to repair than it would have been to deal with it the right way in the first place.

Thank you all for your concern and support. Wish me luck as I go forward. It's nice to know that if I need you all again, you'll be here. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

Heidi · 01-27-2003, 01:56 PM

Amy,

I too hope the best for you. It sounds like the steps you are taking are positive and well thought out. You know we are here for you if you just need to talk to get something off your chest.

Please let us know how you are doing and take care.

tikibird · 01-27-2003, 08:51 PM

Amy, So glad to hear that you are taking your time in making this decision, and that you are thinking about trying counselling. Hang in there, and hang onto the Lord - he won't let you down! [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img]

Sounds to me like you and DH could use a nice quiet weekend, or even an evening far away from his family! [img]graemlins/love.gif[/img]

We're all here for you anytime!

Teddysmom · 01-28-2003, 12:40 AM

Amy,

I wish you the best of luck. I always admire a person who is willing to try. I hope all is well for you soon. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

patty c. · 01-29-2003, 12:10 AM

Quote:

Hang in there, and hang onto the Lord - he won't let you down

<font size="2" face="Comic Sans MS, Arial">I'll AMEN that! And also add that I have learned that God can make a much better husband out of my spouse than I can. Hang in there Amy, and do keep us posted. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

[ 01-28-2003, 12:11 PM: Message edited by: patty c. ]

Cinderella_68 · 01-29-2003, 11:58 PM

Amy, you feel free to vent whenever you need to! I have to tell you, if DH hadn't been so patient with me, I probably wouldn't have gotten where I am today. Not that me and my family didn't exasperate the heck out of him there for a while. [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img]
There is hope where there is God.
Your DH is lucky to have you.

01-23-2003, 01:23 AM	#16 (permalink)
patty c. Community Rank: Jetsetter Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Omaha, NE, USA Posts: 2,034	Re: I need to vent Amy - I understand! I know this hurts and that it seems easier to just walk away at this point, but now is not the time to make that decision. As you've said, you've been depressed. This isn't the ideal state of mind to make such a life-altering decision. My DH and I had quite a few hurdles the first 11 years of our marriage. Hurdles, that was stupid word to use, it was HELL! Anyway, I was told something that was startling yet true, and it was this: Deal with this here and now, because this same pattern will surface again with the next person, or the next. Okay, I can sense that you want to reach through the computer and hit me. I felt that way when I was told, but it was true. I had always been a "giver" also, and much of my self-image was based on my performance and actions, and how others responded to that. In short, my self-worth came from outside rather than from within. You have been depressed because of how others have treated you. You can not change THEM, but you CAN change how it affects you, and how you respond to them. YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF TO LEARN TO BE HAPPY AND SECURE REGARDLESS OF OTHER PEOPLE'S ACTIONS. Then, and only then, will you be able to make a wise decision about what is best for you. For me, it took about 6 months of weekly or semi-weekly private counseling. DH went at first, but quit. I kept going even though "he was the one with the problem!" We just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary. The last half has been absolutely stupendous! I would go through it all again just to have and appreciate what we have now. But the whole turning point was when I changed MY RESPONSE to the idiotic behavior around me. If you must make a decision right now, make it be that you will regain control of your emotions and life. Darn, the worse part about only talking in posts is that you never know the emotion behind the words. I hope this didn't come across too harsh. Please know that I am saying this with a tremendous amount of love and encouragement. As others have said, we'll all be here for you!

01-23-2003, 10:41 AM	#17 (permalink)
Suzie Community Rank: Trekker Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Columbus Ohio USA Posts: 1,910	Re: I need to vent I agree with the others that counseling, even by yourself is a good idea, probably the best idea. I went through kind of a similar thing with my husband about ten years ago,only it wasn't family it was his friends. He was so involved in their lives and their troubles that he had nothing left to give me. We had two kids and another on the way and I could have used counseling but we couldn't afford it at the time. Eventually I just exploded and yelled and threw things and behaved in a manner that was just not me. But at least he had to listen, and after that, slowly, it began to get better. A lot of what helped was just learning to say what I was thinking at the time and not hold it in. If he wanted me to do something and I didn't want to, I said no. No more Ms. Nice Guy closing my eyes to everything and stewing in private. And I didn't care what he said to me when I knew I was right. He was mad at first, but he too had to think about what he wanted and what he had been doing. It must have had some effect because we are still together (29 married, 32 all together). And his old friends? Haven't heard a peep from them in ten years. Turned out, when he stopped giving them money and running them around, they went away. I hope everything works out for you, no matter what you decide to do. Things will work out for the best. [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img] Suzie

01-24-2003, 10:01 AM	#21 (permalink)
pflamingo Community Rank: Trekker Join Date: May 2002 Location: Geogia Posts: 1,016	Re: I need to vent Hi Amy, just got a chance to read your post, and thought I'd add my encouragement/advice (worth what you're paying for it [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img] ). First, definitely consider counseling. I've done it -- actually got me through a couple of extremely bad periods. Everyone I know who's gone through it has been helped immensely (with the right therapist, of course). As someone said before, it's not just for weak people -- it takes a lot of courage to ask for help, and it's so wonderful when you get it. Really helps you figure out what you need to do and how to do it. Second, I've never been married, but I've been through my share of emotionally abusive relationships. You see, my problem was, I thought these losers needed me to "rescue" them from their pasts -- bad family life, bad relationships, yadda yadda -- when in fact, they didn't want to be rescued. They were perfectly happy being losers, and my love and affection was just a bad joke because they thought I was so desperate to be with them that I'd put up with anything. And for a while, I was. Therapy taught me that I didn't have to put up with any of that. I finally figured out that I was much better off on my own than with anyone who would treat me so badly. I learned to treat myself very well and to value my own company. I think my friends would tell you I became a much more interesting person once I realized I didn't need a relationship to validate my existence. And after a few years on my own, I met my current signif-other, who absolutely worships the ground I walk on and would go to the gates of hell and back again for me. (It just so happens I'd do the same for him, but only after I knew he'd do it for me, first [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img] ). It took a looooong time to find this one, and yes, I was lonely sometimes, but I always had friends who loved me, so that made it much easier. I wish you the best in making your decision. It won't be easy either way, but you need to take care of yourself, whatever that entails. If you'd like some advice on how to find a good therapist, please e-mail or PM me. I have a degree in Psych and know some things to look for in a good "shrink". Or if you just need another shoulder to cry on, feel free. We "chicks" gotta stick together. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

01-27-2003, 11:03 AM	#22 (permalink)
A. Monster Community Rank: Jetsetter Join Date: Dec 2001 Location: Wawayanda, NY Posts: 2,205	Re: I need to vent You guys have no idea how much your posts have meant to me. It's wonderful to know that there are people out there who care: some who can empathize, and others who, although they've never been through anything similar, can offer support and prayers. It makes me feel so much less alone in this. I've realized that I'm not ready to walk away from this. Josh is a good man who has moments of clarity where he realizes how manipulative, irresponsible and cruel his brother can be; how his mother never wants to accept responsibility for anything she does and wants everything handed to her rather than work for it -- but when the chips are down he chokes and forgets all that. It's frustrating, but I can't walk away because of it. I've prayed and prayed and prayed some more, and like Tikibird said about her own situation, I don't feel led by God to leave. I think I do need to go to counseling on my own to deal with my depression and to learn how to handle things in a better way for me, rather than just letting them keep happening. I know that this is something that I helped create - when DH and I first got together, I was so afraid of his family not liking me that all I did was try to please and they (and he) came to expect that of me. Instead of liking me for it, they took the opportunity to walk all over me. Not that I'm saying it's my fault, but I allowed it to happen, and I let DH think that it was ok, too. And now that I've stewed for so long and have finally had enough, it's so much harder to repair than it would have been to deal with it the right way in the first place. Thank you all for your concern and support. Wish me luck as I go forward. It's nice to know that if I need you all again, you'll be here. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

01-27-2003, 01:56 PM	#23 (permalink)
Heidi Community Rank: Jetsetter Join Date: Jan 2002 Location: British Columbia, Canada Posts: 2,152	Re: I need to vent Amy, I too hope the best for you. It sounds like the steps you are taking are positive and well thought out. You know we are here for you if you just need to talk to get something off your chest. Please let us know how you are doing and take care.

Login or Register to Hide This Ad Message Board Tip
PassPorter Community - Message Boards and Forums Advertisement	Check out the many e-books by PassPorter. The e-books are free to download if you have a PassPorter's Club pass.

01-27-2003, 08:51 PM	#24 (permalink)
tikibird Community Rank: Navigator Join Date: Apr 2001 Location: Pittsburgh, PA , USA Posts: 6,148	Re: I need to vent Amy, So glad to hear that you are taking your time in making this decision, and that you are thinking about trying counselling. Hang in there, and hang onto the Lord - he won't let you down! [img]images/icons/grin.gif[/img] Sounds to me like you and DH could use a nice quiet weekend, or even an evening far away from his family! [img]graemlins/love.gif[/img] We're all here for you anytime!

01-28-2003, 12:40 AM	#25 (permalink)
Teddysmom Community Rank: Jetsetter Join Date: Oct 2002 Location: Massachusetts Posts: 2,109	Re: I need to vent Amy, I wish you the best of luck. I always admire a person who is willing to try. I hope all is well for you soon. [img]images/icons/smile.gif[/img]

01-29-2003, 11:58 PM	#27 (permalink)
Cinderella_68 Community Rank: Trekker Join Date: Jul 2000 Location: San Diego Posts: 1,036	Re: I need to vent Amy, you feel free to vent whenever you need to! I have to tell you, if DH hadn't been so patient with me, I probably wouldn't have gotten where I am today. Not that me and my family didn't exasperate the heck out of him there for a while. [img]images/icons/wink.gif[/img] There is hope where there is God. Your DH is lucky to have you.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode

Page generated in 0.40677190 seconds (100.00% PHP - 0% MySQL) with 12 queries
Contact Us - PassPorter.com - Archive - Privacy Statement - Top

I need to vent About This Page: This is a discussion on I need to vent within the The Family Room: Family and Friends, part of the PassPorter Community - Message Boards and Forums; Amy - I understand! I know this hurts and that it seems easier to just walk away at this point, but ...

I need to vent
About This Page: This is a discussion on I need to vent within the The Family Room: Family and Friends, part of the PassPorter Community - Message Boards and Forums; Amy - I understand! I know this hurts and that it seems easier to just walk away at this point, but ...