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[DisneyholicsAnonymouse]

My mother called last night before I got home and talked to my husband. Apparently she has bought our unborn son a baptismal outfit and wants to see him baptized as an infant in the same manner myself and my two siblings were. Problem is...we don't go to church (he's a non-church going Christian and I'm a non-practicing pagan type) and don't plan on going to church either. I also firmly believe that even if we WENT to church, I wouldn't have my son baptized until he was old enough to decide for himself whether he wanted that or not.

I know my mother is going to call back today or over the weekend and I don't know what I'm going to say to her. I don't want to get into an argument with her about this but I don't want her to attempt to push me into something I don't really want to do the way she did with Confirmation back in 8th grade.

Also, she doesn't know that I'm a non-practicing pagan. She is VERY Christian and probably thinks that pagans are the offspring of Satan himself. I'm afraid if I tell her, she'll try to make me go see her pastor and get exorcised or someting. Yikes! :-O Is there ANY good way to approach this with her?

I am so dreading that phone call.....

DA

[Belle*]

Are you having a naming ceremony or any other "Welcome Home Baby" type of function? If so, maybe he could wear it to that. If it were me I would just tell Mom, "I appreciate you purchasing this outfit for our son as I know you want the best for him. We have decided to wait and let him choose his religious path when he is older. But we would love him to wear the outfit at this special event!" Frankly, she's still not going to be happy that you aren't baptizing the baby but there just isn't much you can do about that. YOU and your DH have to make the decisions for your family. Good Luck!

[simbarel]

Boy, I don't envy you. I think I majored in Conflict Avoidance in college and all it did was burn a hole in my stomach lining. You might feel most comfortable making a compromise somewhere, just be sure to stand up for yourself---it's the best way to earn respect and avoid resentment. Here's some Good Luck pixie!

[graygables]

Mothers. Can't live with them, can't be born without them! (sorry, couldn't resist) I don't know why we have so many problems with our mothers (I've sworn to *never* be that way with my own DDs, but only time will tell!)

I think it is important for you to establish some boundaries *now*. There is an excellent book called Boundaries that I read and it completely changed my relationship with my mother. There is a lot of, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but your feelings are your responsibility not mine" in our relationship now. It is very difficult and often painful, but I let my mother control me far too long, which caused me to make some very poor choices when I was younger and gave her even more ammunition. After children come, it is so much harder to draw the lines and some mothers have a way of just "moving in" emotionally, so build that fence now! It's the best way to make a "good neighbor" out of her.

About the religion thing...if she is truly "very Christian", then she certainly shouldn't become hostile, but should love you no matter how she feels about your spiritual choices at the moment. As a Christian myself, I have a very difficult time with people who try to shove their denomination or belief system down someone else's throat.

My oldest 2 DDs were "baptized", but we called it "dedicating" and "naming" instead. My younger 2 DDs will make their own choices, they were just brought up to the front of the church in "the outfit" and shown off. Right now, I'm caught b/c our church doesn't extend "membership" to non-baptized persons and my 7yo has some phobias that keep her from doing that, so I won't join without her. Soemtimes I think if it weren't for my children, I would just have church in my backyard!

I think it is an excellent idea to focus on the positive; have a ceremony of some kind for "the outfit" to be worn, but keep it firm that you will be making the decisions regarding the care of your child. There may be tantrums (if she's anything like my mother) and some ugliness, but really, it's better to get her through it now rather than later. I know in my relationship w/ my mother, I found I was telling her waaaay too much about my everyday life, so she felt entitled to every bit of information. If your mom is the same way, back off from what you share with her and keep it more generic. That slight emotional distancing is enough to start the fence-building.

Sorry this turned into a novel, but it's something I have 1st hand experience with!

Good luck and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers!

[Chrissi]

My DS is nearly 2 years old and I'm still having a family power struggle over this very thing. I'm a practicing pagan. DH is an atheist from a non-practicing Christian family. We're having DS's naming party this summer finally. It took our friends (whom we've asked to stand in loco parentis ) this long to plan a trip to come up in the summer. My MIL finally gave up the argument over DS's baptism when we told her she could respect our wishes or give up visits with her grandson. DH took a very hard line with his DM as he knew that was all that would work. Her sisters are more difficult to deal with and have waged a family battle over our choice not to baptise our son. One even threatened to baptise him the next time she babysat for him. She has never and will never sit for my son. I couldn't believe her nerve to say such a thing!



Also, keep in mind, if she isn't aware of your faith and beliefs - she may be unaware of how you feel about baptism. It may be time to come out of the broom closet about your beliefs (if not the name of the religion) to put it in a context she can understand.



Bottom line is - your child, your choice and if you choose to let the child choose - it's really out of your mother's hands. It's not easy to be at odds with your loved ones, but sometimes testing our beliefs pushes us to test ourselves and our relationships. You'll do what's right for you and your mother will live with it and get over it or she'll put herself and her beliefs first and let them get in the way of her relationship with her grandchild. That choice is hers.

[chezp]

I can't help you with this, but my parents did exactly what you're doing - nothing until I was old enough to decide for myself what I wanted. I really respect them for that decision and as I have never felt strongly about anything in any religion, I have never been baptised / Christened. A lot of people are shocked when they find that out, but I don't see it as a problem. I feel that it's important to only enter into something like that if you have strong beliefs. We have friends and family who have had their children Christened, although they never go to church and in fact deliberately went for a civil wedding service, as they didn't want a religious one.

I think you're doing the right thing and it's vital you do what feels right to you. I hope you're able to find a way to talk to your mum about this.

[mrsmaup]

Hmm, this is a difficult decision isnt it. I only went through a terribly minor grievance w/some family members over baptisim.

Our first child had an "emergency" baptism in the NICU because she was dying. Our second child was baptised at a few months old in the methodist denomination's ways.

Before our son was born, we switched denominations to a non denominational, but close to southern Baptist church. We dont believe in baptisim as an infant, only when you are of an age to make a concious decision, so our son has not been baptized yet(he is 9) and probably wont until he is much older. This has bothered some of our family, but we did set boundries and it has really cut down on the misunderstandings.

You said your dh comes from a Christian background? Even if he is non practicing, you really need to see what his desires are regarding this. Sometimes we fall away from a tradition, only to see it become important again when we have children.

I agree w/whoever suggested that you set boundries NOW w/your mom and that you try and make her gift feel appreciated by maybe having the baby get his/her picture taken in it after birth as a gift to your mother.

In the end, this is your child. I can understand your mother maybe feeling a bit sad that you are not following her traditions. Most parents hope that their children will follow in their footsteps when it comes to faith, morals, and lifestyle, etc, HOWEVEr, as a Christian it is her place to pray for you, not to browbeat you.

I hope that you and your mother can work this out w/o causing each other pain.

Good luck

[statelady01]

My advice would be to address the issue now and more importantly, demonstrate yourselves as decision makers before baby comes- after it only gets harder- and I assure you I speak from lots of experience on that!

Good luck and be sure to keep us posted. I will send lots of pixie dust your way!

[Nala]

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I wouldn't have my son baptized until he was old enough to decide for himself whether he wanted that or not.



[/ QUOTE ]

Good for you! DH & I do not follow a christian faith, but we both agree we will let our DD make her own choice and support it when the time comes.

I think everyone has offered some good advise. I will add to it that your mother raised her children. This is YOUR child, so follow your heart and don't feel guilty about it.

This is a rough position to be in. It is never easy to defend a belief that is different, let alone trying to defend it to a parent who has raised you otherwise. But do keep in mind, you are an adult and have the right to make your own choices. I wish I had better advise to offer.

Sending you lots of pixie dust, you will be in my thoughts.

[AKLRULZ]

[ QUOTE ]
We dont believe in baptisim as an infant, only when you are of an age to make a concious decision...

[/ QUOTE ]



We, too, subscribe to that theory in our church. However, my in-laws are Methodists and they do baptize infants by sprinkling them with water. My MIL has a infant baptismal gown that is literally over 100 years old and was worn by her mother, her mother's siblings, and then passed down - I think almost 60 people have worn the gown to date now in her family. Rather than cause conflict, we chose to go with tradition and have our three children baptized as infants wearing the gown in the Methodist church with the hope that one day each of our three children would make a choice to be baptized so that there could be a meaning and a substance behind their baptism. My son made such a choice almost a year ago along with me (I grew up Methodist, too) and we were both baptized together by being fully immersed - a truly amazing experience for him and me too. And just this past month my daugther expressed her desire to be baptized at our church's next baptismal event.

I guess my advice is to absolutely pick up and begin reading that book Boundaries as it is phenomenal - but also to pick and chose your battles with your family. Life is too short.

Best of luck.

[ProChristo]

Wow, that is a toughie, DA. I'm a Christian, and I can see why your mom feels the way she does, but that doesn't change the fact that you and your husband are the parents now. I agree with the other posters here that you need to set up some boundaries to protect all of you from hurt feelings.

Regarding baptism, perhaps you could use some of your mother's own ammo? I was thinking in particular of a scripture passage that makes it clear that baptism is not required for admittance into heaven. I have a few well meaning God-fearing family members who hold to that belief, and quite frankly, the Bible itself disproves it. Luke 23:39-40 relates the history of one of the theives crucified with Christ. As the three men are being executed, one thief realizes Christ is who He says He is, the son of God, and repents. Christ answeres "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." Obviously there was no time for a hurried baptism, yet his salvation was genuine and confirmed by the very lips of God.

BTW, I in no way mean to diminish the importance of baptism in the Christian walk. Christ himself was baptised, it's obviously improtant. In protestant circles where infants are baptised, it is a symbol of the covenant God has with believing families (relatable to circumcision in the old testament) and the confirmation is the time when the child would make a confession of faith on their own and become members in full standing of the church. If your family is Catholic, that's another thing. The Catholic church teaches that baptism is regenerative in its work and is required to remove original sin, and thus required for admittance into heaven.

I don't know if this will be helpful to you or not, but an arguement from Scripture always has more weight in my mind, so I thought the same might be true of your mom. I hope you can all come to a decision you can all be happy with.

[DebiDebiDebi]

I will not bother you with what I believe personally about baptism, since my personal beliefs have nothing to do with your situation. As far as the situation at hand: This will be your child, and you must make the decisions...well meaning grandparent tho' she may be, ultimately your Mom needs to recognize her time to raise children is past, and the mantle has been passed onto you. While she will be an influence on your child, you are the one who will shape and mold this new life...and you have the right to do it in the way you deem appropriate. Be respectful, but be firm. Your mother will come around, and will respect you for standing your ground.