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[Sandra Bostwick]

The secrets of the bedroom...not as racy a topic as it sounds!

Gosling says there are three kinds of clues to personality that can be found in the bedroom.

Identity claims show how they want to be seen by the world.

Behavioral residue tells about how we live our lives.

Thoughts and feeling regulators show the things we use to create a mood.

My first thought on this is that, since I am a person who tends to spread out and compartmentalize, most of my identity claims are in my office, many of my thoughts and feeling regulators are in my private practice treatment area, and my behavioral residue is all over the place...and I mean ALL OVER the place!

Be that as it may, I took a good look at my bedroom.

Uhhh, let's just say Adult Disney Princess.

By default, my bedroom set is the white and gold four poster that I grew up with. One day, I'm sure, I'll buy something new, but it kind-of suits me now and it is paid for. Well, the bedspread that I picked online happens to look JUST LIKE the one in the guest room at Cinderella Castle. Yup! Dark blue and gold with a similar pattern! I was looking at close-out deals online and I guess I recognized the pattern without consciously realizing that it was like photos I'd seen of the guest suite.

To make it worse, I bought a small white chandelier online in a close-out! I can't even go on or I will just embarass myself!

[DDuff]

Originally Posted by Sandra Bostwick

I was fascinated by Chapter 1, section 2- discussing the sentiment override, and how positive people will interpret something in an empowering way, while negative people will interpret it in a negative way. It works as a buffer that influences their whole world view. WOW!!!

I knew that intuitively, but I'd never heard it put so well.

I've seen so many situations where sabatoge just takes over and, before you know it, the ball is rolling full speed down hill.

I'd LOVE to know why it seems that the negativity bandwagon is so much louder than the one seeking to make things better.

Has anyone out there seen the same trend?

Absolutely! I'm wondering if any of you watched the Michael J. Fox special. It was fascinating to me because they performed a study to distinguish between Optimists and Pessimists and how they view the world. Michael and his wife are opposites much like my DH and I are. What I found amazing was that in order to overcome obstacles optimists and pessimists need completely different tools. With the group that tested as optimists, they needed reaffirming statements like everything will be fine, you'll do great. Pessimists needed more specific advice based on the reality of the situation. Here is what you need to do , this is the worst that can happen, here is how you prepare for it. When they swapped the groups and provided the opposite support, both groups failed miserably. To me it was a complete Ah Hah moment. When my son went in to get braces years ago, I provided support by giving him details of what they were going to do. What I remembered as the worst part and how long that would take...DH was completely frustated with me he said "Geez you're going to freak him out just tell him everything is going to be fine." The good and bad news is that whether or not your are an optimist is part genetic part conditioning. I'm hoping to pass on enough conditioning to overcome my genetic predisposition to be a pessimist.

[Sandra Bostwick]

Originally Posted by DDuff

Absolutely! I'm wondering if any of you watched the Michael J. Fox special. It was fascinating to me because they performed a study to distinguish between Optimists and Pessimists and how they view the world. Michael and his wife are opposites much like my DH and I are. What I found amazing was that in order to overcome obstacles optimists and pessimists need completely different tools. With the group that tested as optimists, they needed reaffirming statements like everything will be fine, you'll do great. Pessimists needed more specific advice based on the reality of the situation. Here is what you need to do , this is the worst that can happen, here is how you prepare for it. When they swapped the groups and provided the opposite support, both groups failed miserably. To me it was a complete Ah Hah moment. When my son went in to get braces years ago, I provided support by giving him details of what they were going to do. What I remembered as the worst part and how long that would take...DH was completely frustated with me he said "Geez you're going to freak him out just tell him everything is going to be fine." The good and bad news is that whether or not your are an optimist is part genetic part conditioning. I'm hoping to pass on enough conditioning to overcome my genetic predisposition to be a pessimist.

All sorts of 's were going off in my head as I read that.
In undergraduate school, a psych. prof. gave us an exercise to keep imagining the worse thing that could happen in our daily situations. My life fell apart! I have one active imagination!! When I "dream", unbelievable blessings come out of noplace. When I consider the details of this or that option and how it could go wrong, I get stuck, stuck, stuck!

I've also noticed that, as a person who can put glitter on a poo and appreciate the sparkles, I can really wear thin on people who want to find the negative in everything. I've learned to control my enthusiasm in quite a few situations.

THe fact is, though, I keep moving closer to my joy and, I have to say, I just see the pessimists spinning in circles that keep them feeling like life is a sad road.

I'm not an advocate of denial or failure to face facts at all. I've finished extensive training in first response for large scale terrorism attacks, which is a pretty dark place to send your head! Still, even with that, I figure "OK, if that does happen, there are people like me who are trained to jump in and help out!"

I suppose one of the reasons why I love this PassPorter site is there are SO many people here who's baloons rarely land!

Great comments, and thanks for the validation.

[emtpej]

It's kind of like archtypes and how the work well together to tell a story...
Even our Disney characters -- Winnie the Pooh and friends come to mind...

[Christine43]

I really thought I was an optimist but I do like reality based arguments in deciding things to do with my life. BUT I nearly always think critically so I think that has something to do with it. What should I do to get the best outcome out of this situation. Being a mother, particularly a mother to 4 kids w/dxs, I have to do this all the time. I actually think I'll make a good nurse because of it.
Now, my two sons with Asperger's are most definitely pessimists and probably my daughter too. They definitely need concrete explanations about the outcomes of their decisions, anything else is too uncertain and abstract. My son with autism doesn't have the capacity to think that far ahead so he is in neither category. Interesting thing to think about.

[Sandra Bostwick]

Originally Posted by DDuff

Absolutely! I'm wondering if any of you watched the Michael J. Fox special. .

BTW, I missed the special, but I was thinking that his book might be a book discussion contender for the summer.

[Sandra Bostwick]

Originally Posted by emtpej

It's kind of like archtypes and how the work well together to tell a story...
Even our Disney characters -- Winnie the Pooh and friends come to mind...

Yes, isn't Eeyore always sad?

[Sandra Bostwick]

Originally Posted by Christine43

I really thought I was an optimist but I do like reality based arguments in deciding things to do with my life. BUT I nearly always think critically so I think that has something to do with it. What should I do to get the best outcome out of this situation. Being a mother, particularly a mother to 4 kids w/dxs, I have to do this all the time. I actually think I'll make a good nurse because of it.
Now, my two sons with Asperger's are most definitely pessimists and probably my daughter too. They definitely need concrete explanations about the outcomes of their decisions, anything else is too uncertain and abstract. My son with autism doesn't have the capacity to think that far ahead so he is in neither category. Interesting thing to think about.

Those are interesting points! I think an optimist who can't face facts is in just as bad a situation as a pessimist who can't ever see the bright side.

I agree that abstracting and thinking ahead are also important. I see some people make these decisions and I can't imagine how they would not know that, by probability, their decision would most likely bring grief!

I liked when the author said if we are to improve the quality of the decisions we make, we need to accept the mysterious nature of our snap judgments.

[Christine43]

I liked when the author said if we are to improve the quality of the decisions we make, we need to accept the mysterious nature of our snap judgments.[/quote]

Do you think snap judgements have anything to do with intuition? I don't know what the percentages would be but I think some snap judgements gut reactions but some are definitely based on the appearance of the person or other factors.

[Sandra Bostwick]

Originally Posted by Christine43

I liked when the author said if we are to improve the quality of the decisions we make, we need to accept the mysterious nature of our snap judgments.

Do you think snap judgements have anything to do with intuition? I don't know what the percentages would be but I think some snap judgements gut reactions but some are definitely based on the appearance of the person or other factors.[/quote]

Good question! Of course I don't have the answer to that (who does?), but I wonder about that all the time.

I've been noticing, lately, how circumstance or "stuff" that interferes with the smooth flow of my decisions can completely short-circuit me! Having to stop and think about politics or thinking "How will this decision be accepted by people who want me to do things THEIR way," distracts me so much from the real task at hand that I end up not making a good decision at all.

Did anyone catch the priming experiment at the beginning of chapter 2?

That really got me to thinking! You can prime with empowerment or prime with defeat. I really believe the way you present things matters!

[DDuff]

Originally Posted by Sandra Bostwick

Did anyone catch the priming experiment at the beginning of chapter 2?

That really got me to thinking! You can prime with empowerment or prime with defeat. I really believe the way you present things matters!

Yes - I really enjoyed that part. I started using positive affirmations over a year ago. Most mornings I sit down and write out my affirmations. I've noticed that my overall outlook can really be impacted if I miss a day. I also have to routinely change my affirmations based on what is happening in my life. Part of the reason these work for me is my predisposition toward negativity. I've had to reprogram myself to be more positive and some days it takes more energy than others but it is definitely worth it.

[Sandra Bostwick]

Originally Posted by DDuff

Yes - I really enjoyed that part. I started using positive affirmations over a year ago. Most mornings I sit down and write out my affirmations. I've noticed that my overall outlook can really be impacted if I miss a day. I also have to routinely change my affirmations based on what is happening in my life. Part of the reason these work for me is my predisposition toward negativity. I've had to reprogram myself to be more positive and some days it takes more energy than others but it is definitely worth it.

I found it interesting how the "priming" influenced the snap decisions that were made. I was very conscious of that since I read it. I keep thinking how some of my anticipation of a problem causes me to go into so many situations as it there WERE a problem. That can make me hesitate or, at least, rob me of my peace of mind.

I'm really going to be working on that!

Anyone else have any thoughts on chapter two?

[Sandra Bostwick]

I found the story about Mary (p.66 in my book) interesting.

Mary thought she knew what she wanted (in this case, in a man). She found someone she liked who was quite different that what she'd said she wanted. After she met the guy, her description of what she wanted changed. She was not even aware that it had changed, either.

THis is an interesting twist on the "Bloom where you are planted" mentality that I live by. I always thought that being happy with what you have makes your life easier.

So, here is the question I'd like to discuss.
Do you stick to your ideal of what you want in a situation? Do you decide to "play the cards in your hand" instead of walking away from the table and choosing a new game? Can you think of a time when you decided to hold out for something more like what you wanted?

I find this question especially interesting with the job market these days. I see alot of people settling.

[emtpej]

Its more about what you need than about what you want.
You have to let some things find you...

[Sandra Bostwick]

Originally Posted by emtpej

Its more about what you need than about what you want.
You have to let some things find you...

True! I think some of deciding to make what you HAVE what you WANT is adaptive.

It isn't always selling out, sometimes it is like being resilient.