An Amazing Journey: Ch. 4 -- The Tower of Terror About This Page:

[Jennifer Marx]

The Tower of Terror



I’d gotten used to early miscarriages. I had plenty of defenses built up for those. I knew that if I were to miscarry because of a chromosomal abnormality, it would happen fairly quickly. But it appeared things were going to be a bit different this time, and I began to wonder how far I’d go before I did miscarry. I continued to assume it would happen, just later than usual. And without defenses for this, I was pretty much terrified that I’d not be able to deal with it as well as before.



Nonetheless, I continued down this path. I went to the doctor to give blood and have them test my hormone levels. The results came back with a level of 1911, for those of you for whom numbers mean something. This was very high, and I was shocked. Subsequent tests revealed increasingly high amounts of the pregnancy hormone surging through my body. By this point, even the infertility clinic felt confident enough to offer me “congratulations.” I thanked them, but I still knew in the back of my mind that it wasn’t a “real pregnancy.” I mean, after all, I didn’t have them.



On December 22, I was scheduled for an ultrasound scan to see if there was anything actually in there. I knew that was what would give me away. They’d peek inside and it would be empty. Game’s up! I was afraid to look at the monitor while he was scanning, but eventually curiosity won out -- here’s what we saw on the monitor:







Yes, indeed, that little grain of rice in that little black bubble was a living, heart-pounding embryo. We could see its tiny heart beating away on the monitor. It was actually real! WOW! And three days before Christmas, too! I couldn’t have imagined a better present.



BUT... (and you knew this was coming) while I was happy with my progress, I still felt that it wouldn’t last. Yes, I’d gotten past the chromosome hurdle, I now had to contend with the PCOS hurdle – namely, staying pregnant through the first trimester. And, wouldn’t you know it, the next day something terrible happens as I’m wrapping presents. I cough violently (thanks to that darn sinus infection) and I sense a miscarriage starting. It was the evening before Christmas Eve, and I can’t go see the doctor for two days. My heart sank to my toes, even though I’d been preparing myself for this as best I could. I went to bed in tears, terrified. I was now certain -- I was miscarrying yet again.



On Friday morning when other people were hitting the malls for after-Christmas sales, I was getting another ultrasound scan at my doctor’s office. Imagine my surprise and elation when the scan showed the same grain of rice, with its heart still beating strongly. And I had been so SURE I’d lost it. The doctor explained that this is common, especially among women who take fertility drugs. He reassured me I may encounter this again, and if I do, just come back to the office and they’ll check things out. Otherwise, he wanted me back in a couple of weeks to make sure I was making progress. If I was, then he felt I would be “out of the woods.” Well, if you say so, doc… but I know that the usual benchmark is to pass the first trimester, and even then there’s no “sure thing.” But I was much encouraged, if still reserved.



Soon after this appointment, I began noticing a pattern of “queasy feelings” that struck in the afternoon. Within a few days, it was clear: I was experiencing the classic “morning sickness,” only mine came in the afternoons and lasted well into the evenings. At first I felt good about it – it seemed like confirmation of what was going on inside. But it didn’t take long before I was absolutely miserable, unable to eat virtually anything, and wondering what I’d got myself into. You’d think that having tried so hard to get pregnant that I’d take any pregnancy symptoms in stride, even be thankful for them… but no, not me. I whined, I cried, and I virtually stopped working. I had no energy or concentration, and I felt sick almost all the time. I wasn’t prepared for this much nausea – my mother and sister didn’t remember so much with their pregnancies, and I’d been under the impression that not many women struggle with it. I tried everything I could think of to find comfort – sea bands (these worked the best), alcohol pads, lemons, eating small meals, crackers, ginger ale, hard candies, naps, Flintstone’s, etc. As ungrateful as this seems, I was not a happy camper.



By the time my next appointment rolled around, I was mired again in doubt. I’d have a few questionable episodes in the interim, and I wondered if things had simply stopped growing. My ultrasound scan was perfect, however! Not only was that little grain of rice now a big grain of rice, but it’s heart was still beating strong and the doctor pronounced its growth to be right on target. ALRIGHT! Here’s the ultrasound scan:







My doctor pronounced this my “swan’s song” (yeah right – I’m only about 8.5 weeks at this point) and directed me to go to my obstetrician. I’d graduated to a real baby doctor! Thankfully, I’d already picked one out, and off I went the following day, first to see the midwife, then to see the obstetrician a couple of weeks later. I was poked and prodded, but I didn’t care – I was so happy to have made it beyond my infertility doctor’s office. I thought it was all good. Even better was the fact that my morning sickness was beginning to slowly ebb (around 9 weeks). I’d basically just sat on the couch for the month of January, unable to do much besides watch TV and feel sorry for myself. Those who know me well know I’m happiest when I’m productive, so my inability to work was really difficult. I’m sure Dave remembers the day when came to him in tears, feeling terrible about what a slug I was and how I wanted my drive and motivation back. These are big parts of my identity, and I felt lost without them.



[Read the next chapter.]

[Dizzyknee]

Jennifer- Before I get too much farther into your couragous story I want to stop a say "Congratulations!" Congratulations on your pregnancy, congratulations on doing everthing so well, like taking your vitamins, being aware of your alchohol consumption, loosing weight (congratulations)and having such an inspiring positive attitude.

I admire your ability to follow your (excellent) instincts when the doc suggested more infertility drugs and you said "no".

This baby certainly does have the makings of a champ. He seems to define the phrase "survival of the fittest".

I completely understand your morning sickness problems (I had it too). It is very depressing to feel the way you were feeling. And you of all people had every right to whine and complain...I mean hadn't you been through enough already?...Did you have to conquer every discomfort and challange?...It really isn't fair sometimes. Complain away...you've earned it. (I hope you had a compassionate shoulder to cry on during that time.)

I am off to read on...

[RaySharpton]

<font color="blue"> ºoº I really enjoyed reading Chapter 4, Jennifer. I loved the ultrasound pictures, too, and just following your thought processes. You sound just like many of the nurses that I work with. You are such a trooper. ºoº

ºoº On to Chapter 5. ºoº

ºoº Sincerely, ºoº Ray ºoº </font>