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[stretch2864]

We have been in our house for about six months now. It is in the inner city, and we have met a few neighbors but not too many. Recently a family moved in two doors down with somewhere between 4 -6 kids. The kids range in age from about 18 months to 8 years old. Since it is summer, the kids spend a lot of time riding their bikes up and down the alley which runs behind all the houses. The past few weeks the kids have been stopping by our house when we are outside. They seem like nice enough kids that maybe don't have a whole lot of supervision. The dilemma is that they seem to be spending more and more time over here. If we had kids it might be one thing, but we don't. My only child is 21, and lives in AZ.

On the one hand, I feel really badly for them that they think whatever we are doing outside is more fun than playing at home or playing with other kids. They are at a prime age where they do need attention and need to feel valued by the people around them. If they don't get what they need, they definitely will be at risk for problems as they grow older. However, we don't really want to be responsible for them. I'm sure the mom has no idea where they are half the time. I don't want to be in a position where if something happens to them, we will be held responsible. Case in point is last night. DBF cut down a bunch of trees, so we were burning some brush in our backyard. Well the kids wandered down, including the unattended 18 month old, and hung out with DBF while he was tending the fire. They were fascinated with the fire so they wanted to "help." DBF couldn't do anything else in the yard because he was afraid the kids would get too close and burn themselves. So he was stuck there with them not leaving. One of the little boys apparently ended up with an ember falling on his foot, so he had a small little first degree type burn. They didn't leave until it was dark out and time for bed. Today I was outside washing my car, and three of the kids came back. I let them help since I figured they couldn't get into too much trouble doing that. However, we would like to be able to spend time outside working on our yard in peace.

So, have any of you encountered a situation like this before? What did you do or what would you recommend? I don't want to be mean to the kids, but I don't necessarily want to encourage them to keep coming back. I'm thinking if we tried talking to the mom either a.) she wouldn't care that they were always at our house or b.) she might go the other direction and come down harder on the kids than is necessary. I had that happen once with a student in my afterschool class. The child was misbehaving big time. I ended up talking to the principal because the kid was so out of control. Well, when the mom came to pick up the child, I mentioned the problem to her and what we had done to address it. Literally right in front of me, she grabbed the kid by the throat and threw him up against the wall. I was horrified! If I had known she was going to do anything like that, I would never had said anything to her. Now I knew why the kid had been acting up-it was the only way that he had control over his situation.

So, WWYD?

[shellybelly72]

We do have kids and sometimes even when the kids are not here, we still have neighbor kids that will stop by and say hi.. and sometimes they outstay their welcome... We finally had to say in a nice way, that although we enjoy them stopping by at times... somtimes we like quiet time-just a little time to ourselves.. So when they come by, we'll tell them today is the quiet time day...lol

And they go along their merry way...

[3girlsmom]

We have a little problem with the neighbor girl... Her Mom is a single Mom that does not have custody of her. She only gets her 2 hours twice a week, and every other Saturday. Needless to say, she spends most of that time at our house. Last night DDx3 had a slumber party back to school bash at our house as school is starting on Wed. This morning all the girls were playiing in our back yard on swings, trampoline, and 4 square on the patio. Neighbor girl comes knocking on the door and wants to play...I know it is not going to be well recieved, but I didn't know what else to say, so I said yes go play...Pretty soon there is a knock on the door and it is neighbor Mom...she says I heard your girls tell R to go home...What is going on? I'm like...I don't know...they are all outside. She says well...I am trying to clean out my garage and I was hoping she could stay over here so I can get that done. My mouth about hit the floor. I said I am not a baby sitter. She yelled for her daughter to come home and went storming home. The girls said they told her to go home because she was being rude to their guests and did not like any of the games being played. About an hour later she came back to ask if she could play and I said No we are eating lunch...She came back an hour after that and asked if she could play and I said no the girls are laying down since they were up 1/2 the night. Then she says...my Mom is going to be very upset about this. What...?? Apparently our life is supposed to revolve around entertaining this kid. I guess if neighbor mom says anything I am just going to have to set some guidelines, especially since school is starting. We should have done it a long time ago!!

[Disney 4ever]

It sounds like these kids are starved for adult attention and interaction. However, that does not mean you and DBF have to be the ones to supply it. It is perfectly fine to tell them that now is not a good time for them to stop by. With that many kids, mom maybe happy they are somewhere else and not under her feet!

[Disney_Scarlett]

I think I would try talking to the kids first - tell them it's not a good time and that what you're doing isn't something for kids to participate in. I feel sorry for them, and I think it's nice that you let them help with things like car washing, but I understand you also need your space - and I think it's smart to keep a distance, as you don't want to be responsible.

[Teresa]

It's wonderful that you are able to recognize their need for attention, and to supply it. BUT - it's not your job to keep them safe!

Don't tell them to never come over again - unless you want to do that, but do tell them they can't come over so much. AND - tell them that if you are working in your yard, they CANNOT be there! Here's the hard part - don't send mixed signals. Yes, you can help me weed my front garden but no, you can't help me cut down that bush. They won't be able to tell the difference.

And - talk to the mother and let her know you are concerned that the baby is wandering away from home. Are there any teens in the area you know of? If so, make the suggestion that they may be willing to be "mother's helpers" for a few hours a week.

that's how we've handled similar problems with kids. Tough, but friendly. And - if you are able to, especially once school starts, ask the kids how they're doing in school, how things are, what friends they have, what sports (if any) they play, what books they are reading. I grew up in a neighborhood where all the adults took an interest in the kids, and it was wonderful. Some of my most fun time was spent at the old lady down the street. She smoked, drank, cussed up a storm, and loved us. She taught us to play poker, gin rummy, and how to cheat at Monopoly. And - she introduced me to lime sherbet and hot fudge!!

[simbarel]

When we first moved here we had one clanging on our metal screen door every so often. I would hide in the house going "oh no!", but DH finally told her that she couldn't come over all the time, that his shift didn't allow for daytime visitors. He said it was hard, but she totally heard what he was saying and now 3 years later we have a very congenial 'wave-hi' relationship.

[GoofyMom]

I would guess that once school starts, these children will start making friends their own ages and you won't have many more issues with them. When we moved here the summer my kids were 6 and 7, they didn't know anybody on the street and drove me nuts because they wouldn't go out and play with the "strangers" the same ages as them just down the street. But once they started going to school, they made friends and I never saw them...

Years ago when my kids were 4 and 5 years old, we used to have a little girl about 5 years old (going on 17) and her little brother about 2 years old, that lived across the street from us. The little girl would take her little brother by the hand and walk him across the street to our place, knock on my door and ask for a sandwich or a drink of water. They had dirty faces and hands, so I cleaned them up and fed them once, but told the girl that next time she was hungry she needed to talk to her mom. She told me that her mom and her dad were busy (yeah - "busy" wink, wink) in the house and they weren't allowed inside until her Dad called her. Ugh. But after I told her that I couldn't feed her and her little brother every day she never asked me for food again.

Unfortunately, the situation with those children's parents never changed, but there were 6 families with kids similar ages that lived on our street, so we sort of shared the responsibility of babysitting these poor waifs while their parents made Waif #3 and #4. We moved out of the neighbourhood after Waif #4 was born so I don't know if they ever quit or not....

I never did speak with the parents because they were always too stoned whenever I saw them to speak cohesively to.

[fairestofthemall]

I have that problem too, sometimes. I just tell the kids it is time to go home. Of course if my kids are playing with them I become the babysitter - see below.

Some in my neighborhood do not watch their kids at ALL! It drives me crazy. We are forever watching a couple of kids who are 4 and 2. They have been wandering around outside alone since they could walk independently! Really, sometimes the older two kids would be outside with them but what 6 and 4 year old can watch two babies? It just amazes me that someone would let their small children just wander around outside alone. Of course, I say alone but we are always outside with our kids so I suppose we are the adult supervision! It really chaps our behinds a lot of times!

Sigh! I feel your pain!!!

Danielle

[Marybeth]

I'm going to be in the minority, when I say you need to talk with the mother. Tell her that while you enjoy her children, it is not appropriate for them to come to your home without the mom's first asking you and your DBF.
Some of the earlier posts, IMO, would have concluded in an anon. call to CPS. The fact that this parent allows the 18mo. out of the house without her is unacceptable.